engravings. ▸ chae hyungwon

anxious with butterflies.

'butterflies in the stomach' is one of many ways of describing the all-consuming physical sensation of romantic anxiety

the morning came faster than he expected, his head lifted up from his sketchbook and turned over to the window. the sun danced in between the blinds. the man sighed and leaned back against his chair, his back was burning up and his hand was cramping like no other. his eyes traveled toward the clock, reading '7:55.'

"fuck, i stayed up again." he mumbled as he tossed his pencil onto his desk, he stared down at the drawing, giving it a good examination before ripped it out carefully. he grabbed another pin and stuck it right onto the wall where his desk sat, along with the rest of the drawings he had made overnight.

hyungwon stood up and gave out a big stretch before walking away and heading to the restroom to shower. all the freshly drawn pictures began waving back and forth as the air conditioner kicked in, pencil shavings scattered all around the male's desk. what would be said if someone had walked in and saw all of this? the drawn pictures of a beautiful girl, pinned right into his wall.

it someway, it was romantic. she was always in his head that he had to find ways to get her out and drawing was his only calling. but, was it really romantic? or was it the start of something so tragic?

"hyung? i'm getting a head start to the campus today. don't forget to lock the doors when you leave." changkyun yelled from outside the males bedroom door. while the other was standing in front of his desk again, staring at each drawing again. "hyung!" changkyun became annoyed from the no answers that he opened the door and looked at his roommate.

"i was talking to you-" hyungwon's head turned over to look at the younger, eyes widening. "yah! have you ever heard of knocking!" he yelled before quickly walking over and pushing him out his room, slamming the door shut, a click being heard as he locked the door. hyungwon could feel his heart racing, 'did he see the drawings? fuck i should have locked the door from the start.' he fought with himself.

"just lock the doors when you head out. i'll see you at lunch." footsteps began receding from the hallway. eventually there was nothing but silence. he sighed in relief before walking back over to get himself dressed. today was feeling like a good day, well.. ignoring what just happened.. it's still a good day.

he was meeting sol for lunch, he could feel the butterflies jump all over inside his stomach. he was excited, nervous, anxious, overly joyed. all of the things he could think of. he didn't know how it would go, he didn't know if they were going to make good conversation, or just stay silent the entire time. he was going in blind.

the male made his way out and toward the campus. he hadn't been to class in a few days but thankfully hana was updating him on the assignments. 'at least she was good use for something.' he thought. hyungwon was always able to stay above water when it came to his school work. he learned how to manage everything and be on time.

it was hard. he use to struggle in high school, believe it or not but hyungwon failed all of his classes during his first year of high school. he had no motivation. the constant skipping, always fighting with anyone who looked at him wrong or just breathed. hyungwon was irritable in high school, it got out of hand.

he could remember when his family put him in therapy, they thought it would help him but it made him worse. he refused to speak to his therapist, he would leave in the middle of sessions when he would get annoyed. nothing helped him, back then.. it felt hopeless to even try with him.