To Be Made Whole (A Christian Romance) (On Hold)

Chapter 1: In The Clearing

I could feel the coolness from the earth through the layered linen fabrics that draped over each leg of mine. The crisp grass and the sharp scent of wild onions strongly danced in the air and could easily be detected throughout the clearing. To be alone during the cool spring morning brought the most peace I've experienced in awhile.

I winced as I pulled my knees up towards my chest. Holding myself close. The way I wish I were held when the pain wasn't purely physical, but emotional too. Pain shot all throughout my feet and throughout my heart, but this wasn't surprising.

I had run away last night.

I had run away from the problems that muddied my past and dimmed the hope that I once had. The present felt both painful and numb. I didn't know that could happen. The fear of my future kept me up at night, but I knew they wouldn't care. They never did. I ran and I cried for hours, trying to escape the harsh memories that would assault any peace that I had left. I ran from those who feigned love, but truly hated me. Running brought a comfort that my mother's love, or the lack thereof it, didn't bring me.

I had thought that when my twenties came around, I would finally feel strong, confident, and sure of my future. Instead I was now faced with the death of the only adult who showed me love, my grandmother, my true mama.

I was ill prepared for her passing and now less prepared for my future without her. Every breath that I took felt oddly painful, although I had no underlying issues to explain it. That's when I realized this pain I felt, rested deep within my soul and not within my physical body.

Breathe. I thought to myself.

Running my hands along the long cloth, I sighed. This once beige linen dress, was now splattered with earthy browns and vibrant green blades of grass. I could only make it out a little since the sun was still rising. It was a little after five in the morning and the sky was becoming bright with colors. It looked the opposite of what I felt. It appeared to be serene and happy.

Slowly I laid my back onto the cool ground beneath me, allowing myself to soak in the surroundings. I stared up at the once starry sky. My mind wandered.

I knew I didn't want to go back home just yet. I still lived with my parents as I attempted to complete college. My major was chosen for them and not myself. I knew I couldn't face them just yet. Especially after the loss of my grandmother. She made living there bearable.

A small smile stretched across my face as I remembered the vibrant 97 year old. She was so alive and didn't let her age hinder her. Her kind dark brown eyes always brought comfort to others and even though she had lost most of her mobility, she still insisted on helping us cook dinners every Sunday night after her church service.

Her tight curls would always be refreshed just before each service and her petite frame would always be modestly cloaked with another creation that she had made herself years prior when she still sewed. She always had a positive outlook and I wished to be like her. Positive, kind, and strong.

"I miss you, mama." I whispered to the sky. At some point my hand had stretched outward towards it. Maybe if I could reach far enough, the God she believed in would allow me to bring her back.

Mama.

She was the mother figure in my life. If only she had been my mother instead of being my grandmother. She wouldn't have left me so soon. Tears forced their way forward and blurred my vision. The reality of her being gone always brought more pain, but she promised that I'd see her again. So I would hold on for her, to tell her all the things she helped me accomplish simply because she believed in me.

"Are you okay?" A voice called out from behind me.

With haste, I sat upright and my head whipped around to meet the eyes of a complete stranger standing at the opposite side of the clearing. I shouldn't have turned so fast. Dizziness overwhelmed me from the lack of sleep and the excess running. I rubbed my face in attempts of recuperating.