Unspoken feelings are unforgettable

Chapter 19

The mid day sun was overhead, and Arisha walked herself out of the school's crowded playground. Dragging her feet somehow against the tough urge to collapse right at the ground and cry. Her eyes were almost giving in, just as her hopes had. Today was first time, after all of it, after she'd been strong enough to let go, it crossed her. The fact, unfit even for dreams. She felt, for an instance that her life is ruined. Earlier in the morning, she'd witnessed the heart breaking scenario of her mum smoking and drunk dialing Shashank. She doesn't smoke. She doesn't drink right as the sun breaks in. She loves going to work. She gave up on her job. And Arisha doesn't want to behold the pain of watching her give up on her life. Riya's started doing it already, bit-by-bit, she's being swallowed in by the alcohol, smoke and frustration.

She'd denied that she was calling him, though the call didn't connect, it was an obvious evident that she is declining already. Mentally. But Riya is strong enough to be on her own, to start off a new life and she shouldn't be the one reaching out, instead it should've been Shashank. 

Arisha hates herself. She doesn't want to believe the fact that she'd decided on leaving her mum behind, lonely and aloof from herself, let alone the world, on her own. How could she? And when she said it to Ronil, she didn't even flinch. Hesitate or feel a bit of hurting her mother would have been feeling then. Sitting in a corner and staring over the window pane with hardly any light inside of her swollen and dark eyes. She's just proved herself to be such a hopeless daughter, to a mother who never unloved her. No matter whatever be the circumstances. 

Finally, the feeling of immense pain began to sooth, and that of sorry took over. Just as her class came into view. She'd been looking for Ronil throughout the school. Circling endlessly in the hot sun, around the whole campus. And here he was, hurdled in a corner with girls. She doesn't like the idea of intruding the group, and creating a bubble of awkwardness for him and also for herself. Arisha decides to wait at the threshold and hope to meet his attention before the break can get over. And much to her well fortune she gains it soon. No matter however Ronil tries to ignore her stare, he's dragged towards her in no time than he notices her fragile orbs, that have almost gave up against tears.

"What is the problem with you? Didn't you settle for running away from us?"

"I didn't settle, I am made to"

"Don't tell me. I am certain they're not forcing you"

"How could they? I am already grieved enough. Am I not? Ronil I need you, I need you to not hate me.  I need you to listen to me, I need your help"

"And what is it? I don't think I'm in any condition to -" She wouldn't let him decline her, rushing her confession before he walks away, "We'd kissed. Me and...Tushant" She says, her voice not more than a tough-to-explain whisper. And just as it hits him, his head shakes in an intrinsic manner. Either unable to take it in or trying to convince himself that he heard what he heard. That he'd heard whatever she spoke, whatever she spoke for real.

Ronil's head follows his gradually lifting of eyes, "What should I tell you about that?" His hands come half way up to grab her shoulder but fall back down to his sides, "Wow. Why did you have to...to do it? And why put up the deception to hate him?"

"Because I do. I hate him, and I am not assure if I like us kissing either" There were a lot of things she didn't say, she couldn't say because it was unknown, even to herself. But when he'd given her that tiny bit glimpse into himself, she couldn't hate him for who he'd become. She couldn't blame him. And she couldn't say that somewhere in the course of hating him, she fell in love with him. And now that she's admitted it to herself, it would surely hurt a thousand times more and she'll perhaps hate him a thousand times better.