The "Somewhat" Nanny

Here We Go

"What did you say son?"Derek asks.

"What would happen if someone swallowed a fart?" Jake repeats.

"Ya know? I don't think this is appro-", I begin to say.

"No. Please let's finish this discussion", Derek interrupts, "Go on Jake".

"Well I was just wondering cause Shay told us about how her and her brother and sister would fart on each other's pillows bare butt as a prank to give the other one pink eye. And I was just wondering If you sleep on a pillow that someone has farted on with your mouth open, then you swallow their fart! What happens? Do they get pink eye and pink throat?", Thing One explains.

I.am. MORTIFIED. I don't even dare to look over Zaddy Derek. I know he's regretting ever hiring me to rear his children. What have I done? I'm going to be fired for sure.

"Kids, you're excused. Jake take your sister upstairs and get her ready for bed", Derek says.

"I think I'll help", I start to get up.

"Don't you dare", Derek says.

Why does he sound so calm? Lord help me. This is it. I'm a goner. He might just kill me. And serves me right. Come on Shay! These are impressionable children.

The scraping of the kiddos' chairs brings me back to reality. Them walking up the stairs puts the final nail in my coffin. It's just me and D-daddy(too much?) at the dinner table and I refuse to look at him. I feel his glare laser its way into the top of my skull. I feel up there to see if I have a bald spot.

"Well. I should probably get started on these dishes..." I trail off.

He just stares. Have I shocked him mute? Is he having a stroke?

"Are you...are you ok?" I ask. Me speaking must have released him from his spell. He stands up and begins pacing the kitchen floor.

"I would just like to know", he begins, "why. Just why? Is this payback? Did I meet you before now and accidentally steal a cab from you so this is your way of getting revenge? You tell my children to FART on each others' pillow?"

"I didn't tell them to do it...just some stories about when I did it..." I clarify.

"Oh. Thanks for the clarification" he remarks sarcastically.

"You know? I should have known. I should have known you would be trouble after what you did to that guy in the grocery store." Derek says.

I am clearing the dishes from the table and I stop.

"Excuse me? What is that supposed to mean?" I ask.

"You heard me. You are out of control. Wild. Careless. These are my children and you're their nanny. You are supposed to help me raise them. Not turn them into hooligans." he spits at me.

I'm clenching and unclenching my hands. It feels as if the temperature in the room has skyrocketed to one hundred and twenty degrees. My breathing is erratic and it's taking everything in me not to slice him to pieces with my words. Breathe Shay. Breathe.

And with each breath, I try to talk myself out of snapping on my boss, the father of the children I nanny. And with each breath, I feel the words clawing to be released from my throat. Slithering their way up until I say, "You know what? I've had just about enough of you and your holier than thou attitude." Oh no! Shay stop. What are you saying?

"They are kids! Let them be kids. Let them have fun and be gross. They're not hurting anyone. I love those children. How could you ever say that I am careless and out of control? I may be wild, but I will always protect them. Who's there with Lily when she wakes up in the middle of the night crying? Me! Who helps Jake sort out his anxiety when he gets overwhelmed? Me! It's me with them everyday loving them, holding them, caring for them. Where are you huh? At work in your ivory tower judging us little people who're just trying to get by."

At this point my chest is heaving and Derek looks like he wants to strangle me, but I keep going.

"I may be unconventional in how I raise our kiddos, but that's not a bad thing. Why can't you see that?" My eyes plead with him to understand.

He begins to walk towards me and I stand my ground.

"They are not your children. They are mine and I will raise them how I see fit. So you can either like it or leave." He seethes.

I feel the sneezing sensation in my nose and my eyes start to water. There's a frog in my throat. Do not cry in front of this man. It feels like he's snatched my heart right out of my chest and stomped on it.

"Fine", I say, "I quit".