Elementals

5

Taylor

While Jude sleeps, I sit on the floor of the bathroom and have a breakdown.

I don't know what's happening. I don't know what I'm doing. I came here with a purpose, I had a goal, and now everything has been thrown out the window. I was expecting confused, disillusioned, too-unstable-to-be-alive monsters. People who would be easy to take out because it would make the world a safer place. People like me.

But that's not what I found, and now I don't know what my goal is. Lie after lie has slipped out of my mouth. Barely anything I've said to them has been genuine.

I'm in the bathroom only because I was sure I would throw up. But it's been an hour, and I realize that despite dinner, I feel empty. Empty and hollow.

I exit the bathroom quietly, take my keys, take one last look at Jude, who's sound asleep despite the disappeared roach, and leave our room.

The air is static. The thunderstorm has passed us by, but the sky remains charged. I make it only a few steps out onto the parking lot before I cave in on myself and stop, holding my face in my hands. Tears leak out, but I force myself to cry silently. Lana's room is on the ground level, and if she hears me or sees me, I don't think I'll be able to lie my way out of it. I'll combust.

I force myself to keep walking, choking back a scream. I have to go. I have to disappear. They can do what they want on their own—so can Rani, wherever she is. I know they'll be sad and I know I'll never forgive myself but I.

Just.

Can't.

I have to stop again, and this time I sit on the curb of the entrance road. The truth, and what I've done, is eating me. There's no one to talk to, and no one to yell at because I already killed him. I'm angry alone, and it suddenly hits me.

I'm alone.

I'm the only one who knows the truth.

And if I so choose, I can force it to die with me.

What does the journey matter, if the destination is the same?

Part of my plan was to tell them the truth. Ruin them. But if I don't do that, then they'll never know what Jansen did. They can go on believing that they were chosen, that they were special, or whatever it was that they convinced themselves. And when...when they start to see, I can explain it away. Lie until they believe that those things are nothing but bad dreams.

If I can keep it together, the Elementals have a chance.

And if I leave, they'll still have a chance, but there will be no one to explain the inevitable memories.

It's up to me.

Fuck.

No matter how I deep I breathe, it doesn't feel like enough. I just sit there, vision blurred, eyes dry. The car is only a few steps away. It would be so easy.

Stick the key in. Turn it.

Push the pedal.

And go.

I stand and wipe my face. The walk feels endless, but I trudge all the way back to our room. Jude is still asleep. I slip into my bed, thinking through Lana's plan. It's a good one. I think it will work. I should sleep, but I have to think it through some more, work out the kinks. I'm supposed to be their leader.

And I'll do my best to be a good one.