seeley street | b.barnes AU || ON HOLD

chapter three

☆☆☆

B U C K Y

The week between therapy went by quicker than I anticipated, despite me not really doing anything to keep myself busy other than bring watching some stupid TV show and almost shitting myself when a car backfired on my street. I went to the gym once but left after twenty minutes. I didn't have the energy for it. 

So when I was sitting in that damn waiting room again, it was then that I realized I never did that stupid journal assignment that she wanted me to do. I leaned my head against the wall and bite the inside of my cheek. Maybe if I just left she would forget I was even supposed to be there. 

Unfortunately, my P.O. would probably find out about that and I didn't necessarily want to land my ass back in jail.

"James," I looked up when I heard my name and saw it was the usual receptionist. "Dr. Raynor is ready for you."

"Mhm," I stood up and walked past the nurse. I thought I heard her sigh but I didn't turn around to see if it was her or not. 

When I walked into the office, there was now a desk against the window. On the top were a piece of paper and a pencil. I smirked and shook my head. "You know me too well, doc."

"I would think you're still here because I don't know you very well," She said. "Now, sit. You'll have the room and I'll be back in fifteen minutes and we can talk about what you write."

When she left, I pulled the chair back and sat down. I pulled out my phone and swiped up, a social media popping up. Steve posted something about a dinner at the VA but I ignored it and scrolled past it. 

After a few minutes of blinded scrolling, I sighed heavily and set my phone down. The chair creaked when I leaned back and I looked out into the courtyard. The leaves had changed a bit more, and some had already started to fall. There were a few people in the courtyard again today. Mostly older vets. That same lady in the scrubs was there, with the same two guys she was with last week. She was the idiot with the extension cord. 

One of the older guy's reached out and put his hand on her ass. I watched as she stepped away and said something to him, shaking her head. She must have sensed my staring because when she looked up, she looked towards me. I didn't realize the windows were so see-through. She held up a hand and waved. 

I ignored her and looked at my paper instead. Picking up the pencil, I decided to write a little something. 

This is the stupidest thing in the world, at the stupidest place in the world, in the stupidest city, in the stupidest country. I hate this. I hate you. I hate everything.

The tip of the pencil snapped and I sighed in frustration, throwing the damn thing away. Talking to Dr. Raynor was going to be just fucking great.

"I don't understand James," She said, five minutes later as she looked at my journal. "I have never had a patient with such disregard for their own health."

I wasn't sure what to say, so I didn't say anything. 

"Eventually, you are going to get tired of being alone, James. And until you want to make changes, try to make these changes, that is what you're going to wake up to."

☆☆☆

Monday afternoon I sat in the doctor's office, waiting for my primary to come in. The room was small, painted blue, and it smelt like alcohol wipes and ammonia. The nurse had already seen me and taken all that vital shit. I was growing tired of waiting. It seemed like every day I was waiting. I just didn't know what for. So when I actually was waiting, it was the most frustrating thing in the world for me. 

Finally, the door opened and the older doctor walked in. "Sargent Barnes, how are you feeling today?" He looked between the chart and me. 

"I've been in a lot of pain," I said, pointing to where my left arm used to be. The amputation ended up taking off my entire arm, and it was just below my left shoulder that I was experiencing the pain. 

The doctor nodded and came closer, "Let me take a look."

I shrugged off my jacket and lifted my shirt over my shoulder so he could see. "It's been two years. I swear I can still move my fingers." I told him. 

He examined my shoulder and the nasty scar that still lingered in my skin. "Well, Bucky, everything looks like it's healed well. The pain could be psychological, but I can set you up with an x-ray to make sure nothing is wrong with the bone. I wish I could help you with the phantom limb, son. Have you talked to the therapist about it?"

I rolled my eyes, "No. No, I haven't."

The doctor didn't say anything and he grabbed my chart, skimming through it. "It says here you've lost about thirty-five pounds since I saw your four months ago. That's a lot of weight in a short time."

I shrugged. 

"Alright. I'm going to write you a prescription for the x-ray, take it to the nurse up front and she'll set you up with an appointment to get that looked at it. I'd like to see your weight up the next time I see you. You're about twenty pounds underweight for your height and build."

I nodded.

"Okay. I'm going to go grab a nurse for you to talk to about this, she specializes a bit with this more. Is that okay?"

I nodded again and watched him leave the room. Shaking my head, I leaned back against the chair and debated leaving. But I wanted that damn x-ray visit. My arm was killing. This damn nurse better be worth it. 

Thank you for reading, ily <3