why did it have to be me? - boreo

ashamed, aren't you?

this is from theo's pov!!

     I stared up at the ceiling as I lie on the couch, an empty beer bottle I had recently finished in my hand. I was alone in the room, but not the house. Boris had brought his girlfriend over. He didn't ask, and I didn't want her there. But I knew I couldn't tell him no. I never could. He loved her.

     I just got unlucky loving him.

     Eventually, I got fed up listening to him fuck her in my room, probably on my bed, too, instead of the floor, like he said he'd do. I figured I'd walk up to the park, it wasn't too dark yet. I could be up, take a nap, and be back and they'd still be fucking. I stood up, but I guess I did so too fast because my head starting hurting like it always did when that happened, even when I was sober. I thought about leaving a note, but decided against it and placed the beer bottle on the floor. Walking over to the door, I opened it as slowly as possible, quietly shutting it and leaving.

     The gravel crunched beneath my shoes as I walked on the road, sharp rocks littering the streets, daring to pop a tire. It was a little hotter than usual, so I was glad Boris allowed me to keep this shirt while she was over. He didn't usually do that. I neared the park, sitting on my respected swing, although this time I could have sat on either one. I stared at the empty seat next to me and huffed. He was always so different around her. There were so many examples, too.

     Like, here:
     1. He never calls me Potter in front of her, only Theo (if that) or Theodore.
     2. He doesn't normally let me wear anything he owns around her.
     3. He doesn't pay attention to any cues I have, whether they be angry or anxious.
     4. He won't mess up my hair for no reason
     5. He lies all the time???
     6. He won't tell me about his ideas, but he'll tell her.

     He drove me crazy. He wants me to let myself get fucked and made out with, and he wants me to get high and drunk with him. He tells me that he loves me, and he always calms me down if I have nightmares. Then as soon as Kotku comes around, I'm nothing. I'm not worth the time, the condom, or the energy all of a sudden. He was even hanging around her more and more, which left me doing nothing all day but sleeping and stealing alcohol. I kicked the dirt with the top of my shoe. I hated her. I hated everything about her. But mostly I hated how the one person that I've ever loved like this is in love with her. What does he even see in her? There's not much to see in me, and maybe I shouldn't be talking because I wear glasses, but still. She doesn't have a single worthwhile quality in my opinion. And my opinion is always right.

     After about thirty more minutes of ranting to myself about how much I hate her, I got bored. I started to go back to my house, picking up a random rock before I left and throwing it as far as I could, pretending it was Kotku. I wish I could throw her away. She's trash anyway.

     As I creaked open the door in the complete darkness, I thought I had gotten away with coming home so late. I started up the stairs, stepping in the one that always made the horrific giveaway sound. I turned to see if anyone was there, and lo and behold, I saw Boris standing a few steps down.

   "Theodore, where have you been?!" he asked, face red with anger and his arms thrashing a little.

     I guess she's still here. "Somewhere." I said simply, trying to read his emotions. He just seemed angry, but I had never seen him angry at me for this reason specifically.

     "No shit! Where?"

     "Somewhere!"

     "Theodore! Where have you been?!"

     "The park! Chill the hell out, man!"

     He finally let it be, flashing me a dirty look for a second. I gave him one back. He doesn't get to act like he cares now when he shows absolutely no emotion to me when his little girlfriend is here. He just doesn't. I grabbed Popper and went to my room, flopping down on my bed. It was almost the same as the couch, I just didn't hear sex noises. Now they were arguing. Yippee. I sighed and covered my ears with a pillow, falling asleep slowly as the sounds of arguing died down. I couldn't tell if they had actually stopped fighting or if I was just falling asleep, but either way, I was surrounded by peaceful darkness.

 

     I woke up to an arm wrapped around my waist, pulling me closer. I knew who it was. I tried to sit up, just to be held down tighter.
     "Is only me, Potter." he mumbled, his morning voice sending chills down my spine again. I was still pissed at him, though.
     "I know." I muttered, giving in and lying back down. He smelled like her again. I wanted to throw up.
     "Are you okay, Potter?" he asked as he put a hand on my face. I guess I gave it away. "Are you sick?"
     I wanted to say, "Yeah, sick of you ignoring me and ditching me for a stupid girl. For a stupid, stupid girl! I'm sick of you acting like you care and then not as soon as she comes around. I'm not saying you have to choose, but you have to pick which person you'll be around me."
     But I didn't. I just nodded. "I'm fine. Probably just hangover, I guess."
     "You didn't drink that much."
     "How would you know? You were with her all night long." I grumbled, putting a heavy sense of distaste on her name.
     "She is my girlfriend, Potter."
     "Well, what the hell am I?!" I asked, pushing him off of me and standing up. "Some little fucktoy?!"
     He laughed at me. This bitch. "Fucktoy? That is good nickname. Would you prefer that over Potter?"
     "I'm being serious, Boris!"
     He sighed and stood up, as well. "Potter, what do you want to be?"
     I stopped. I didn't expect that. "Well— I don't, I don't know, we could be- no, no. I don't know!" I spluttered, looking at him. His face seemed amused, but not in the good way.
     "This is why she is my girlfriend, Potter! At least she knows something! You don't know anything!" he exclaimed, thrashing his arms about in the air.
     "Well, I know enough to realize how completely different you act when she's around! You act like you're ashamed of me!"
     "I do not act different!"
     "Yes, you do! You don't call me Potter, only Theodore, I'm not allowed to wear anything you own, you don't pay attention to any cues that I give that we both implemented, you don't mess up my hair for no reason, which is stupid, but it's even more stupid you can't do that around your asshole of a girlfriend, you lie all the time, and I do mean all the time, and you never want to tell me anything! Unless, of course, that's normal to you!" I said, my voice rising continuously, tears welling up in my eyes.
     "Potter, please, don't cry." he said, his voice calm as ever.
     My first instinct was to run to him and cry, and I think he knew that, too. But I didn't. If he wasn't going to really love me, then he doesn't get to love me at all. I pushed past him, starting to run as he kept up. I ran out of the house to the park again, trying to do a different route to confuse him. He ended up following me there anyway.
     "Potter! Stop!" he called, but I kept running. I wanted to be with him so bad, but I also really didn't. We neared the park, but I just kept running. He was a good bit behind me, so I stopped to catch my breath. I almost doubled over, I don't think I'll ever run this early again. Boris grabbed me and spun me around quickly, pulling me into an embrace. I struggled for a moment before he hit the side of my head, and I blacked out.

     I woke up in my bed, a wet washcloth on my head. I went to sit up and got pushed back down.
     "Stay put, Potter.  You are sick."
     "Oh, so now you care? Why do you care? You sure don't when she's here."
     "We can talk about that later, hm? No more stress, just sleep, or cry, or whatever. No arguments."
     I rolled my eyes and sighed. I realized how bad my head hurt, not to mention my stomach. I inhaled sharply as I felt a dagger-like pain go through my whole body.
     "What time is it?" I asked, trying to focus on anything other than the pain coursing through my body.
     "Not sure. Do you need medicine?" he asked, feeling the pulse point on my neck.
     "I'm okay." I said, trying to move away. He pulled me back to my position each time, and eventually I just gave up and stayed where I was.
     "Potter?"

     "What?"

     "Am sorry. Really, truly am."

     "It's alright."

     "Is not, but sleep for now. Will talk later."

     I nodded, falling asleep in almost an instant.

     And it was then I realized, just before I went to sleep, that Boris Pavlikovsky truly is ashamed of me, and that he truly does love his girlfriend, and that I am just a replacement for when she's gone.

word count: 1708
a/n: hi!! so i'm def gonna continue this, thought i should say that lol. i'm rlly proud of this, but i was thinking abt doing a one shot book if anyone is interested in that and if anyone has any ideas. anyways, ty for reading and i hope u have a good rest of ur day/night!! :)