Second Life? Nah, Die Is Good Too.

Chapter 2: Am I Dead??

hello, I'm back for this novel. I know it's been a while since I last updated this, but now I'm thinking of updating this regularly together with other novels. That's all. Thank you and enjoy reading like always.

***********

"son?"

the voice of my mom calling for me wakes me up from my useless thought. I then focus back on her and answer,

"...yes."

"is there something wrong?"

Her worried stare fills my eyes and makes me slightly guilty but I decide not to dive deep into those kinds of feeling for now.

After all, i still need to answer her properly.

'what should i say?'

i don't really find myself in sort of predicament or something. It is just, that my mind 'enjoys' being in trouble by itself, so i as the owner of this brain, I can't help but get along with it. 

'In other words, I'm just being depressed for a moment from my thoughts, nothing much.'

is not what I could say to her so, I just bluff my way even if it doesn't work.

"to be honest...I...mom..."

"yes, son?"

My mother waits for my next word patiently. Her eyes staring at me is so soft and warm. Like what a mother's eyes would show to their child who's speaking for the first time.

'i can't get used to it.'

and I, couldn't keep looking at it. That's why i turn away immediately after I say,

"I don't know who you are."

It was the only word i could afford to say to her. Although what i say to her was a cruel lie and i indeed remember everything, i just couldn't find myself staying honest with her.

Because of the fact that i need to live in this house as someone else.

That fact alone weighed my conscience. 

How should i say that I'm not her son? and if i say i remember everything, just how should i live this life as her son? do you think i could pretend to be one when I'm not?

'i can't.'

that was the only answer that my mind always concluded.

i can't be this family's son or brother.

i can't pretend to be him.

that's why i lie. So that i don't have to pretend like i know them and act like a family to them.

I understand that my way is cruel.

but what can i do?

Although i say that i should just forget the past and cherish the present in front of me.

The guilty feeling that bears inside of me won't go away.

My heart just can't ignore the fact that i might cause this family grief. A loss of their family member.

'my presence erase one of their family.'

This is the thing that i need to remember my whole life. And these lies could help me in that way, and it could also lessen my guilty conscience, even if it's only for a little bit.

Although it seems like this is my selfish act and people might dislike my action, i can't afford to care about it.

Yes, I'm selfish. I want to lessen my heavy heart but in that way, i hurt others.