Heterochromic Haze

25- Melancholy Monday

I find temporary joy in my preoccupation unpacking, an odd sense of euphoria flowing through me as I drape fairy lights across windowsills and fold clothes into drawers. I find new homes for all my plants and take four days to decide the placement of each of my lamps to establish the perfect mood lighting.

However when night falls euphoria shows me just how fickle she can be, abandoning me to my loneliness.

I'm in the middle of a new sculpture when it hits and the culprit this time? A song floating through my speakers, tugging me body and soul back to that dark night all those months ago. His eyes, propositioning me with promises too tempting to break in that dimly lit room, his body pressed against every plane of mine, fitting like a puzzle piece I had no idea I was missing.

I press my lips into a grim line, determined to grin and bear it. It's just a song after all.

But my hands are frozen on the clay in front of me, just as my blood seems to be frozen in my veins as I stare, unseeing as my mind replays the haunting reel of my heartbreak. I exhale shakily as the song melts into Exile by Taylor Swift.

I shake my head, my eyes closing as a tear trickles down my cheek.

Moments like this, moments where I miss him more than I had ever dreamed imaginable, I wonder just how I'm meant to go on. How to live with this unending melancholy that seems to persecute me. Even in my dreams I see those eyes, blue and glimmering like the sea, dark as night and sparkling in delight.

My hand absently traces my chest, clutching at the ache in my heart as though that will soothe it. My other hand scrapes through my hair, tugging a little too violently.

I moan softly, discarding my work. I sweep a hand out, knocking over my precious utensils but I don't care. I stumble off my stool, my knees buckling almost immediately. I don't try and fight it, settling on the floor instead.

I feel as though I'm sinking, a victim of the turbulent current of my despair and unable to do anything to resist submitting to its powerful grip. A frightening, almost pleasurable comfort fills me at the thought of giving in. To lay here, helpless against the darkness that is encroaching from every direction. Were it to engulf me totally, would I finally feel some peace?

I'm curled in the foetal position, convinced that this insurmountable hurt in my bones will be the end of me as Nickelback's Far Away plays on repeat, when he finds me.

His face appears in my clouded vision and for a brief moment, I'm certain that I've hoped for Everett so violently that he's manifested in front of me. But almost immediately my hopes sink into disappointment.

Two light blue eyes stare back at mine, shiny with concern. His soft hair, elegantly styled, is two shades too light.

I watch, blank and empty as Greyson processes the sight in front of him. I expect him to tell me to get up, to stop being a drama queen, perhaps even nudge me with his pristine Timberland boot.

But he doesn't do any of these things. Instead, he settles on his knees and crawls beside me. He lays on his side, his face just inches from mine and holds my hand.

I'm not sure if it's the comfort of his touch or the fact that fastidious Grey has actively chosen to lie on my frankly filthy floor, but it's enough to trigger the gentle sobs that had lay dormant in my chest. He doesn't say anything. To be honest, there aren't any words left to say and if there were, I don't think I'd want to hear them anyway. Instead he holds my hand, his grip steadfast and steady, never faulting. He doesn't look at me with pity either, but an odd sense of understanding and serenity.

I don't understand it, or him, at all, but in this moment I'm more grateful to Greyson Hayes than I can comprehend, because though I've not found the way out, nor the strength to swim, I'm no longer alone in the dark.

My hand trembles as it clutches his tighter, my sobs settling into shaky exhalations as I repeat the mantra in my head. The mantra that, perhaps, if said enough times, might just become my truth.

Everything will be okay.