Dear diary

Wednesday 10th August 3:10am

                            mentions of 👹sa👹

I've been crying for over a hour now and I'll tell you why.
It all started when I came upstairs to go to bed and half way up the stairs when I get a Snapchat notification from someone. Once I get to my room I check who it is and it was one of my (at the time) mate's so I asked them what's up. And their response was "I'm in the mood" unfortunately I already knew what they meant by that but they had said the same thing a couple days ago.
And at that time because I'm a people pleaser I asked if there was any I could do to help. Not realising what they wanted. And when they told me what they wanted me to do I agreed because I didn't want to lose another friend. By the end of it that day I was alright but it was completely different. I know that people may say "you consented to it when they asked you to do it so what's the problem?" I know that I consented to doing it but I didn't consent to being pinned down and having my mouth covered up so that I don't scream.
And I know that didn't actually happen in real life but but I have had someone try to do that to me before and it all gave me flashbacks to that and every time I tried closing my eyes and sleeping all I would get is the flashbacks. I tried like 10 times to sleep but every single time it was the same image over and over again.
So I just gave up on sleep and just as I did my best friend Valentina started to text me.
Quickly before I continue I just need to explain something about Valentina and I. We both live on different ends of England. I'm at the bottom and she is at the top. And yet we can sense sometimes what each other are feeling.
She asked me if I was alright and I responded no so she FaceTimed me. I answered and I was just in tears. So she started giving me virtual hugs and kisses on the head trying so hard to make me feel better. I then just asked her to distract me. So she did for an hour and a half but then she needed to go to sleep because she has an audition in the afternoon so I let her sleep.
Pretty much as soon as she ended it so that she could sleep I started crying again so I started to text my friend Gemma. She tried her best to cheer me up but she also had to sleep so I let her. So I just put my headphones in and listened to a sad playlist on Spotify just to get all of the crying out. And that brings us up to now and it's 3:43am. I think I'll be good to sleep now. Love you all x