Bringing Back Summer (The Summer I Turned Pretty)

THREE

The beach house in Cousins is what's left of Susannah. The house is the only place we can ever feel her presence, hear her. It's what represents her. Nothing's changed there since her death. Everything has remained the same. Even her straw hat that lives on the top shelf in her room. Almost like she hasn't left.

But she did.

If Susannah was still here, she'd be disappointed in the way everything turned out. She'd be disappointed in the way we'd all ghosted each other. But mostly, she'd be disappointed in me. She wouldn't show it, but I just know she would.

"Cousins." Steven suddenly says as if reading my thoughts. We'd all been silently staring up at the screen, uninterestedly watching the movie that's playing. No one's really said how boring it is.

"What?" Conrad sits up.

"Let's go to Cousins."

"Now?" I glance down at my phone that reads quarter past eight.

"Yeah. I mean this movie is ass and we've nothing better to do."

"The only smart thing out of his mouth for once." Jeremiah grins, slapping hands with him.

"We have this beach house in Cousins." I explain to Shayla who is clearly confused. "We've been going there every year since we were babies, except for the last few years of course."

She nods. And then it's awkward again. We haven't gone to the beach house since Jere and I called off our wedding. Since Conrad and I couldn't forget each other.

My mother clears her throat. "I guess we could go. We'd get there not too late if we go now."

Steven and Jere whoops like little kids waking up on their birthday.

I laugh. Suddenly, it's like nothing ever happened. Like Jere and I weren't almost married. Like Conrad and I never dated. Like those three years passed in silence were simply nothing.

***

My mother and I go in my car and the rest goes with Steven. It's a slow ride, and long as neither of us really speak while I drive. But I guess I appreciate the silence because it gives me time to think. What Jeremiah had said in the kitchen earlier. How Conrad had looked when he saw the infinity necklace. The way he had looked at me. In the dark, my face burns and my hands shake on the steering wheel. It'd been just like when I was sixteen. He'd looked at me with the same fierce, caramelized eyes. Like every word I said was the most important thing he'd ever heard. Like my face was the only thing he could see. Like I was infinity.

"Have you spoken with Conrad?" My mother suddenly asks. I almost stop the car because the question is so out of the blue.

"What?" I choke without lifting my eyes off the road.

"Conrad. Have you spoken with him?" Her voice is smooth like I just didn't almost crash the car.

"Well, no, But, mom-"

"You two are like kids. Isn't this a little immature, Belly?"

"Mom, of course we would be awkward! We haven't spoken since three years ago. Since that day!" I groan.

"You were engaged to Jeremiah three years ago."

"Are we talking about Conrad or Jeremiah?!"

"I'm just saying," my mother shrugs, "you and Jeremiah almost married and you talked to him, but not Conrad. I'm not forcing you to do anything, Belly. But I'm just saying. Susannah wouldn't want this."

I don't answer as I stare dead ahead at Steven's car in front of us that inches faster as we get closer and closer to Cousins. We're almost home.

***

Even with those passed years without Susannah, it still feels odd to not have her running out the door of the faded beach house. To not see her, in her billowing sundress, reaching out to hug us.

When I look at my mother, I instantly know she is thinking the same thing as her lips are etched down slightly and her eyes filled with buried, unshed tears. It's something I haven't realized much because she is so silent. My mother is still hurting. And perhaps she always will.

She doesn't like others to see her grieving, so I look away.

Unexpectedly I hear Steven say with a laugh, "jeez, when was the last time we came here?"

I instantly feel the hair on my neck stand. It was my wedding with Jeremiah. Well, supposed wedding. Jeremiah doesn't say anything. Nor does Conrad. I sneak a peek at him. His head is hanging towards the ground, his hand placed awkwardly by his sides. It's a depressing posture. Then without a warning, Conrad's eyes flashes up to meet mine. I feel the blood rushing to my face, embarrassed of being caught staring.

Neither of us can look away. I don't think I'm even breathing and I can feel my face reddening. Finally, after what seemed like forever, he opens his mouth. He's about to talk. To me. Now I've really stopped breathing.

"B-"

"Con, bro!" My brother, my stupid, clueless brother, interrupts him. Interrupts us. He swings his arms around Conrad's shoulders. "We're going down to the beach. Come!" Then Steven turns to me, grinning like a proud dog. "Of course you can come too, Belly, but..." He glances sideways at Conrad deliberately which of course he sees.

"Sure, I'll come." I say cheerily. Sort of bitterly. I fight back the urge to slap that smirk off his face.

"Isn't it a bit late for you, though, Belly?" I have no idea why, but Steven really doesn't want me to come. I know it's not because of Conrad. Not completely.

"I'm coming." I narrow my eyes. "I'm twenty two, Steven, not fifteen."

"Fine." He snaps just as Shayla wanders up to his side. He grabs her hand, already moving towards the house. "Suit yourself."

I sigh, shaking my head, and look back up at Conrad, about to say something. But he's following after Steven, his back to me, his shoulders hunched. He's staring at the ground again.

My room is exactly the same as it was for all these years. Junior Mint still lives on his shelf. His white fur isn't so white anymore though. It's almost grey, like it's been dusted with dirt. Despite that, Junior Mint is still the same. He still holds the memories of all the visits to this beach house. He still holds the memory of Conrad winning him for me.

It's late. Midnight. But we go to the beach. I'm wearing a white sundress, one of the ones that Susannah left for me. The skirt is long and flowing, the material thin, perfect for the kind of weather tonight. Moderately warm.

My mother compliments me as we're leaving. Steven says I look 'not bad'. Shayla says I look like a white lily. Jere compliments the dress, recognizing it as his mother's. And Conrad? Nothing. He doesn't even look at me.

I try to ignore the sting of hurt as I move further away from him.

CHAPTER THEME SONG- ONE STEP FORWARD THREE STEPS BACK (by Olivia Rodrigo) 

TIK TOK- Tsitp2007