Forwards Ever

Forwards Ever: A Letter to My Younger Self

I've been selected to write this letter in partnership with RiseUp powered by Kids Help Phone, where African, Caribbean, and Black youth can get wellness support by visiting KidsHelpPhone.ca/RISE or texting RISE to 686868. I'm excited to be a part of this because my own kid is entering high school, so for me, it's as much a letter to him as it is to my past self. Young Black kids deserve to have the guidance of perspective and mentors. I believe I'm in a position to inspire and support by sharing my own experiences.

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My old high school in Barbados had a saying: Forwards Ever, Backwards Never! I would find out later in life that this was a proudly West Indian motto with deep roots and significance. People lived by this motto. I myself never really appreciated the full meaning of it, but it was always fun to say whenever a challenge presented itself. To be honest, I still use it to this day as a kind of battle cry.

The first day I heard it was of course, the first day of school, gathered with the other 60 fresh-faced kids in their shiny new uniforms. Uniforms that were a little too big on them, because they would eventually grow into them. You know how moms can be. They had all gotten the "treatment" from their moms that morning, making sure the uniforms were ironed, collars nice and crisp, shoes polished. It wasn't even for photos, only to make sure that us kids looked proper and presentable. I think back to that first day, and you know what I remember more than anything? It was just a momentary observation, but it stuck with me through the years. There were a couple of white kids in that class, and they didn't look as crisp as the rest of us Black kids. Maybe it was how they wore their clothes, with a different attitude, or maybe it was that they didn't have to live with the talk that most Black kids have drilled into their heads by their parents.

"You can't just settle for being good — you have to be better."

I'd nodded to let my mom know I'd heard her, resisting the urge to roll my eyes because it wasn't the first time I'd heard it and I knew that it wouldn't be the last. What I never thought of (and this only comes from hindsight) is that every other Black kid was probably hearing a version of this.

Just think about that for a moment as you get ready for your first day.

Like me, you're probably not going to get how much is packed into that one statement. There's a lot of responsibility in that one statement, and as you head into high school, away from the comfortable familiarity of elementary school, it's going to mean so much more.

It's not just responsibility, it's potential and that makes it exciting, doesn't it? Admit it: you got a thrill from being officially dressed for your new high school. You're full of this nervous buzzing energy and you just want to explode. You can feel the potential in the air, to make choices and be anything you want to be. It's different now going into high school, because it feels like playtime is over. You're no longer one of the big kids, not for a few years. Now it's real and you're going to be stepping out of the front door into what feels like a different world.

I could tell you that you're going to make all of the right choices and it will be a clear path, that it will be so easy, but I don't want to lie to you. You're going to do a lot of dreaming and generally just finding yourself, and believe me, that's OK. Right now in high school is the time for you to experiment and find out what it is that you're good at. You have to find what it is you want to do. You may suddenly find science absolutely enthralling, or go deeper into your art as you discover new ways to get out the stories in your head. You may even be a writer if you want (and no matter what your mom says, writing can be a real job) and create stories that will go on to become books and movies. Everything is possible. But...

You're going to know deep in your soul that you're not starting off at the same level as everyone else. Mediocrity is not an option. Good is not enough, not for you. You have to be better from the start, because you're going to be judged more harshly, even when the judges don't know they're doing it. Your mother knows it — that's why she tells you over and over, because it's a reality that she lives every single day.

I could tell you that everything is going to be awesome. I could say that you're about to make some of the best friends of your life. I could also say that you will adapt to the new class structure and all of the big changes. All of this will be true. Just not all together, and not all at the same time.

You've been given the talk before about how hard it is for a Black kid to thrive in the world. Your dad or maybe even your uncle has taken you aside and tried their hardest to tell you how it isn't easy out there and the sooner you realize it, the better. Reality has been sinking into your worldview and sometimes it has not been a good feeling, has it?

You've seen the reports on the news and always felt that sinking in your gut when it was almost always a Black guy as the main suspect in a violent crime. There is also the guilt, when after some horribly violent crime, you secretly cheered that for once it wasn't a Black guy. And you know that people look at you differently. Even in your group of friends, because you're the Black kid, there's that feeling that people, mostly adults, look a little longer at you. There has always been that feeling in your gut that even your teachers in elementary school saw you as the "bad guy." If there was a fight, you were almost always the main suspect. No matter how much they tried to be "fair," it almost always happened. Some of the teachers looked at you as if waiting for you to finally lose it.

You're about to spend the rest of your life fighting for relevance and acceptance, and it doesn't stop. Even after you've proven how good you are, how truly talented and worthy you are, somebody is going to come along and reduce you to a number in an algorithm and say, "Yeah, not good enough." And they watch you for a reaction, expecting you to take it on the chin like a champ, but... they're also daring you to show your true feelings and react.

This is going to be high school. Not all of it of course. You will have moments of joy, frustration... you will spend too much time second guessing yourself about if the object of your affection really likes you (they might, so ask them out!). You will also spend more time making up excuses about why you didn't do your homework, than actually doing the homework. And you will thrive, even while carrying the burden of the responsibility to be better.

I had my school motto to remind me, and you'll find something similar. Forwards Ever! That's the battle cry for when things seem their worst and when you're convinced that you just can't do it anymore, can't live up to the expectation of being better. It's hard isn't it? But it's doable.

You will do it, and your mom will be so proud of you, because you rose to the challenge and you carried her words as a part of you.

High school isn't the greatest experience in your life, but it is a place where you can learn how to adapt to new people and new experiences. You learn how to build a group of friends who can support and help to guide you through the rough times, and who you can also be there for. The classes are there to give you structure and test your adaptability. It doesn't matter if you won't ever use calculus in a real world environment, or that in 10 years nobody will quiz you on the dates of that random thing that happened to someone in a history book (I don't remember either, so it's fine). What matters is how you take these lessons and shape your worldview so you have an opinion you can clearly articulate. It's all so you can see how you can change your own small part of the world. You can see how you can be the light that leads the way for all of those who follow.

You can look ever forward to the future and to the hope it can bring.

~FINIS~