𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐜𝐢𝐧𝐧𝐢𝐭𝐲 (on hold)

| 𝟐𝟒 |

I laid in bed, imagining who he had been. What hobbies had he had? Had he had plans for this weekend?

What about his friends? Would they call him? How would they find out he was dead? Would they be told that he had been shot?

I had shot someone. I couldn't believe it. I actually picked up a gun and used it. I had hurt someone. On purpose.

I knew that sleep would never come for me. I was going to lay here all night, perhaps crying, with no peace. My thoughts would never let up.

I wouldn't allow myself to do that— to lay in bed and remember. If I couldn't sleep, then I would make the most of it.

I was going to go out tonight. And maybe, this time, I would forget. I would go to my normal club. Perhaps Florence would be there— I would love to finish what we started.

I sighed at the memory of her. Rough hands and pretty words. Matthias had interrupted me that time— I wouldn't let him do it again.

Days like these were times when I was extremely grateful for my lack of debt. Now, I could spend an insane amount of money on alcohol. If my parents could see what I did in my free time, they would probably disown me.

Then again, I was sure Niamh would too. And Leona. And, if Matthias knew the truth of how many people I had fucked that night, he would have probably left me for dead too.

I wasn't a good person. I pretended to be with my job, and my friends and my reputation. But really, my thoughts and desires were so very far from good.

I had shot someone.

I wasn't worthy of being saved. Matthias should leave me to whoever wanted me dead, or captured, if whatever. It would do him some good too. He wasn't anywhere close to being caught until he started working with me.

He would get caught, and it would be my fault. More people would die, and it would be my fault. I would die, and it would be my own fault.

None of the people in the club had known who I was last time, and it would be the same again. I would be another anonymous face. They wouldn't know my sins, my thoughts or my mistakes.

They would know my body, and that would be it. I liked it that way, and so did they. No way to trace it back to us. I would give a fake name, and that was all I would be for the night.

I wasn't sure how I got to the club. One minute I was on my bed, and then I was stood under the lights. I had no memory of moving. I didn't know if I had gotten the bus or I had driven. Maybe I had walked.

None of it mattered. I was here, and I was ready. I bought a drink immediately. I wouldn't survive sobriety.

I was lucky that I wasn't alcohol dependent. I never had been, and I had no plans to be in the future. I used alcohol to get out of my head, and I didn't need to do that everyday.

Perhaps I might've had to, if I had been older when Matthias left. I wouldn't have stayed in my room crying— I probably would have drank until my legs gave out.

I was glad that that didn't happen. I wouldn't be here otherwise. I often contemplated how my life would have been different if he hadn't left. I wasn't sure who I would be now if he hadn't.

I wouldn't be a doctor. I would have student debt and an average IQ. I never would have discovered my passion.

But, perhaps I never would have met Percy. Maybe I wouldn't have shot that man. I could have gotten through school without the severe bullying.

I was already on my second drink. A man across the club was eyeing me up, I thought. I was looking for a woman to start off the night, but he would have to do.