Lightning Serenade

Chapter 58: Junk Yard Therapy II

A/N: Wrote this chapter in two hours. Seriously, these characters just seem to write themselves!

TW: Talk of past suicide of a character

Hawks took a shuddering breath in and was ashamed when it came out uneven. There was no one else around; he was alone in his boring, plain apartment, but his cheeks burned with shame of not having total control over his emotions, nonetheless.

Hawks had naively thought that, if anything was going to truly be his, it would be his soulmate. But now that he found Dabi, he came to the hard realization that nothing was ever truly going to be his; nothing was ever truly going to go well with no-strings-attached. No, not for Hawks. But this is what it takes to become the number two hero. He squashed down the inner voice that said that all of this wasn't worth it, even if he were to advance to being the number one hero. He was a dead man walking, anyway, so it didn't help to have any thoughts at all. The truth was, he wouldn't live long enough to ever get the chance to be the number one hero, so why even think about if all of this was worth it or not?

When he would betray the League of Villains, they'd kill him. If the moment came, and he failed to deliver, the Commission would see to it that he was "killed in the line of duty" as it were. Now he just had to figure out which would be a more dignified way to go.

If he betrayed the League of Villains, he might feel some cathartic relief that he got back at his soulmate, but that wasn't fair, was it? It wasn't Dabi's fault that he was unfortunate enough for fate to match him up with a good-for-nothing failure of a human being, if Hawks even could be considered human anymore. He wasn't so sure these days. It wasn't Dabi's fault that he had already fallen in love the old-fashioned way with someone who suits him so perfectly that Hawks wondered why fate decided to mismatch them together instead of letting Dabi and Shigaraki live and love in peace.

If he betrayed the Commission and went back on their plans for him, he would die a meaningless and staged death. But at least he would be released from the never-ending hell that was his life.

Damn. He was really banking on finding some semblance of happiness once he found his soulmate. Now, though, he kind of wishes he didn't have a soulmate at all. That would hurt less than having a soulmate who looked at him with anguish and disappointment in his gaze every time he was unfortunate enough to make eye contact with Hawks.

When Hawks had first infiltrated the League of Villains and was finally in, he had noticed that the gaming system was religiously used by Shigaraki and his chosen number two. After they had discovered that not only were Shigaraki and Dabi not soulmates, but Dabi was Hawks's soulmate, Hawks hadn't seen anyone use the gaming system since. In fact, it seemed to be gathering dust, untouched even by Kurogiri, like it was cursed or something.

It was awkward—every interaction with the League of Villains was so painfully awkward and uncomfortable. Maybe the awkwardness would kill him before the League or Commission had a chance. It all had been going so well, too, before the whole soulmate disaster. He was even getting closer to Shigaraki before it all came crashing down.

Hawks tried to get pulled from the mission, explaining the very unusual and extenuating circumstances to the Commission. He wasn't exactly surprised when his handler basically lit up, saying that this was something they could use to their advantage, like Hawks would be able to just turn around and betray his soulmate at the drop of a hat. Well, with the way they had conditioned him, he might have been able to.

The problem was Shigaraki, oddly enough. The few things Hawks let slip as he was trying to gain the League's trust was met with intense anger and indignation from Shigaraki, not directed toward him but on his behalf.