Querencia

Chapter Ten

Though I want the comfort of being in the arms of my Angel, I need some time to adapt to my new school status on my own. My skin felt foreign, my clothes felt transparent. In every way possible I felt bare, it made me realize just how much being invisible allowed me to not care about how others perceives me.

If I'm constantly distracting myself with Ariella I won't confront my own feelings. I'll continue to try to ignore the feeling of exposure and the feeling won't go away. I need to be able to stand in my own being before I can stand next to her as comfortable as I was again. I want more than anything to let the stares and whispers fall off my skin, but I need to thicken it up a bit before I can truly embrace who's inside.

I think Ariella understands that, she hasn't texted or called, only sent me small smiles from across the hall. Though that smile never reaches her eyes; it hurts to know her bright green eyes carried longing, worry, and pain because of me.

Recently my thoughts have been consuming me, as they usually did. But this time it wasn't all negative. All the negative thoughts seemed to be muffled.

You're disgusting.

You're trash.

You're unwanted.

They all seem to try and reach me only to fall short, shoved by a growing confidence that it seems to grow little by little.

It's minimal at best but it's there.

You're wanted.

You're loved.

You're supported.

I know deep down in my heart that those around me won't judge me or my family. They won't dispose of me. They won't voice the thoughts that want to bring me down.

My worries aren't unjustified, just improbable. My insecurities seem to be comforting me.

A thump against my temple brings me back to reality.

I glance over to see Jackson picking up the pencil he threw at me.

"Was that necessary?"

He sits back up "Yeah kinda was." He laughs.

Jackson has always been there to pull me out of my own head, make me smile, tease me, love me. He is like a brother.

Family.

Jackson, Sarah, Mom, Dad.

They're my family. They won't leave.

My Angel. My patient Angel. My gorgeous and caring Ariella. I know she's there. Deep down I have a feeling she'll be there no matter what, and I'll reciprocate.

. . .

"Okay so what's up?" Sarah asks.

We're sitting at our usual outside table, the warm gentle breeze and partly cloudy weather creating a peaceful day.

"What do you mean?"

"You want to be with her so just, I don't know, do it."

"It's a little more complicated than that. I need a little more time to be able to walk down the halls with her fully confident. And really confident, not a fake confidence or in the moment confidence. If I continue to just draw my confidence from her presence I won't actually make any progress."

"You want to be able to be open."

"Yeah."

"And not only to Ariella, especially Ariella, but also to everyone."

"Exactly."

"This is all new and it makes you feel uncomfortable to be with your own girlfriend and you want to expand your comfort zone." Jackson adds.

"Okay both yall need to get out of my head." I laugh.

They laugh before Sarah says "Stop being an open book."

"To everyone but yourself mind you." Jackson adds.

"Okay do you guys share one mind?"

"One mind." She confirms.

"One soul." He continues.

"One heart." She finishes.

"And you say me and Ariella are too sweet." I scoff and shake my head with a small smile.

I can't help but feel satisfied when I see them be a couple. I teased them constantly but it had made my heart clench to see them both longing and wanting but feeling hopeless to be in love with each other but not knowing.

I had kept telling them that the other liked them just as much but neither of them listened. I got so pissed at some point I dragged them into the janitors closet and said she likes you and you like her now fix this shit, I then left the closet.

Every since then they've been all loved up with each other, and this time when I teased them it was to look back fondly. And even with the teasing they know I'm happy for them.

I want that.

I had that.

Being all lovey dovey, cute nicknames, cuddling, dates. Just having that special someone to call your person.

Ariella is becoming that for me, my angel. It seems fast paced but right at the same time. We spent so much time together it felt like we've been together for more than only almost three months.

I had it.

I will have it again.