Querencia

Chapter Sixteen

"I'm mad. I'm mad that I'm mad. UGH!" I groan as I drop my head on the table.

Jackson, Sarah, and are sitting at one of the outside benches under a tree.

Sarah dips her fries and puts them in her mouth "I get it dude."

I sit up "Yeah that ketchup around your mouth really screams supportive."

She rolls her eyes and wipes her mouth. " I mean I'd be pissed too if Jackson went out with someone else and was pretending our relationship exist."

I throw out my arms on the table "That's the thing! I'm not mad at her! I'm mad at the circumstance! I understand why she did what she did but I can't stomach the thought of having to be a secret and hiding when I'm finally getting comfortable out in the open."

Jackson leans his head on my shoulder "Our poor baby."

I shove him off "Help me you idiot."

He laughs "That's tough dude. You want to be there for her, I get it. But you need to prioritize yourself."

"And you don't have much time to figure it out." Sarah says, a 'yeesh' look on her face.

At my confused look Sarah points behind me. I turn to see Ariella heading towards us but stop when I look at her. I turn back and sigh before getting up and heading towards her. I grab her hand pull her to where she had after our small break.

When we stop she starts rambling "Look I know you're probably mad at me. I mean you looked mad the other night-not that you don't have the right to be mad you a hundred percent do. It's just I want to fix this but I don't know how to fix this. Because I don't want to piss off my parents and have them make you feel uncomfortable. I mean you've worked so hard. Also I don't want to keep up the whole 'Liam' thing, after you left I went back and told them that it was a one time thing and that I'm not getting back together with Liam. They finally agreed but were so freakin' adamant about how I 'better not bring that girl around or else' and just don't know what to do." She finally takes a breath.

"I get it. Ariella I get it."

Her face and posture melts "You do?"

"I do." I smile softly.

She smile and takes a step forward. I take a step back and instead grab her hands and bring them up between us.

"Lee?"

"I get it. I do. But that doesn't change the circumstances. You need to figure this out, but I don't think I can be with you every step of the way."

She jumps to talk "I'm not gonna lie or go behind you again. I just panicked. I swear the whole Liam thing is done."

I smile sympathetically "I know. However, you're obviously still figuring out things with your parents. And like you said I worked hard on myself to get even a modicum of comfort in my own skin out in the open."

"Lee.." She trails.

"You know I had to take that step on my own, and this is something you have to do on your own."

"Lee please.."

"You gave me patience and grace and I will do the same with you. I can't take what it would take to be your girlfriend while you figure this out." My eyes sting with tears.

Her eyes water and her lip trembles "Lee.." she begs my name like a prayer.

"I will be here for you if and when you figure this out, but for now.." I trail off when my emotions choke me. Instead of trying to articulate all the moving pieces of my thinking and the situation I opt for actions. I lean forward and kiss her forehead, then kiss her knuckles before turning and walk away.

. . .

I sit staring off into space as the porch swing sways. Tears kept falling so I had given up on wiping them. I hug my knees closer to my chest, resting my chin on my knees.

I hear the door open and feel as the heavy weight of my dad settles next to me.

Silently I lean my weight towards him heavily as his burly warm arms wrap around my shoulders.

"Did I do the right thing?"

"I don't know pumpkin." His low gruff voice rumbles.

"It hurts." I whine.

"I know pumpkin." His voice wavers.

"Any advice."

He sighs "There isn't anything anyone can say that will magically help you. Even if I want nothing more than to whisk you to the ice cream parlor and have everything be better. But this isn't a scraped knee. Inside pain is hard. Only two things I know will heal it. Time. Or a resolution."

"I don't even know when or if this will resolve." I utter quietly.

He places his hand gently on the top of my head "Then time it is."

"Can we still go to the ice cream parlor?" I ask.

He chuckles "Of course pumpkin."

Ice cream doesn't solve a broken heart, but it couldn't hurt.