Macdonald Hall #2: Go Jump in the Pool

On stage, please

"Boots, we're playing to a full house!" exclaimed Bruno as he peeked through the curtains.

"I saw," replied Boots, trying to ignore the nervous quivering of his stomach. "Bruno, do we really have to do all that stupid stuff, especially 'the ugliest man in the world'?"

"We do the show as is," Bruno insisted. "We'll be great." He turned as Diane Grant rushed up, all a-twitter. "What's the matter?"

"Bruno," she said breathlessly, "Cathy says we have to have a pair of large scissors or our act is ruined!"

"Boots, get a pair of scissors for the Scrimmettes." Bruno walked away to check on his other acts, reflecting that the life of a stage manager wasn't too hard after all.

A last-minute addition to the cast was Perry Elbert, a gymnast. He shrank back at Bruno's approach. "No offense, Bruno, but please go away. In the past our relationship has been a hazardous one — for me, that is."

"Really?" Bruno said in surprise. "What have I done?"

"Nothing actually," sighed Perry. "You give me a chocolate bar and I lose a filling in it. You help me with my suitcase and the lock disintegrates so I have to pick up clothes for half an hour — that kind of thing. Things just happen to me when you're around. I'll probably break my neck out there!"

"You're going to be great," Bruno soothed him. "Five minutes, everybody. Five minutes."

Bruno made a last-minute check of the lighting crew and the boy who was operating the record player. Everything was ready. The time had arrived. The house lights dimmed, the music started and Bruno Walton, clad in his best suit and a large bow tie, stepped out into the spotlight. The applause was deafening. Bruno was delighted — he hadn't even done anything yet, and he was already a success!

Click! A camera flash momentarily blinded him. When the green spots faded from his eyes, he recognized Mrs. Sturgeon, waving her camera and smiling encouragement at him from the front row.

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the first annual Macdonald Hall-Miss Scrimmage's Talent Show. Proceeds will go towards our swimming pool fund. We have a great variety show planned, starring students from both schools and featuring as our pièce de resistance, the world premiere performance of the Scrimmettes."

In his front row seat, Mr. Sturgeon winced. Beside him, Miss Scrimmage beamed.

"So let's swing into our first act," Bruno went on enthusiastically, "a dance team with four left feet. Ha, ha, little joke there. Our soft-shoe dancers, Hughie and Louie!"

Bruno scrambled off stage, and the curtains parted on Hughie and Louie. For the first sixty seconds or so, Hughie and Louie were doing quite well. But then Mrs. Sturgeon leaped up and again her camera flashed, blinding Hughie, who turned the wrong way and rammed face-first into Louie. They never quite got back on track after that, but nevertheless they received deafening applause when they finally stumbled to a finish.

Bruno reappeared, applauding wildly. "Weren't they great, folks? And this is only the beginning. There's plenty of talent to come, so please don't walk out on us. Ha, ha, another little joke."

He beamed and continued. "You know, because this is a school project, we wanted to use something in our show that would demonstrate how concerned we are about our environment. And here to show us all what our environment sounds like is our impressionist of nature, Elmer Drimsdale!"

Stricken by stage-fright, Elmer walked out onto the platform like a wind-up toy. Once there, spurred on by the applause, he took a deep breath and launched into his imitation of a hump-backed whale, forgetting the introduction he had planned. The spectacle of a skinny, crew-cut boy making faces and mooing at them without explanation shocked the audience into awed silence. When Elmer finished, there wasn't a sound.