The Asset: The Beginning and End of the Winter Soldier

Chapter Seven

Alone in the forest, Bucky sat in the early morning mists, listening to the sounds of the wind through the trees, the birds and other animals, but not feeling the sense of relaxation that usually came to him there. He was waiting for Ayo, but also hoping she would not be there, and he would be allowed to avoid the memories for a day. The previous night had not been restful, in fact he had not slept at all. He generally did not need sleep to function, but he felt the lack of sleep was contributing to the unease he could feel. He was on edge and tried to convince himself it was because he was tired, or just irritable, but he knew why he was on edge, and it had nothing to do with fatigue. He could feel the creeping coldness in his consciousness that should not be there. It resisted all attempts he made to beat it back, insinuating itself so well, he wasn't sure how to keep fighting it. It had retreated and then returned, over and over again without emerging in the weeks prior, allowing him to think he did not need to be on guard against it any longer. It was what he was trying to be free of, that part of him that was so utterly incompatible with his quest to regain his humanity.

He could recognize it more quickly now, but recognition did not stop it and it made the fears he had that the Winter Soldier would simply emerge no matter what he did to try and stop it more urgent. As Ayo arrived through the undergrowth, he observed her with a calculation that he did not like, a sense that it was not fully Bucky that watched her. She paused and looked at him but did not say anything at first. He waited; not sure he would be safe to be around for this day's talk.

"What is bothering you today, James?"

"I'm not bothered," he responded with utter calm. It was true, partially. He was not bothered by anything with the icy, calculating part of his mind. The rest of him was very bothered but found the mindset of the Winter Soldier to once again be strangely comfortable, easier to deal with than the constant fear, guilt, and grief.

Once again, she looked at him a long time, but even the Winter Soldier could not read what she was thinking. Bucky pushed enough of that part of him away to be able to offer her a small shrug. "Or everything is bothering me, take your pick."

Ayo did not seem convinced, but she did not pursue it any further. "Do you wish to speak of your memories today?"

"Do I have a choice?" He asked, his tone mild. "Don't you wish to hear them? You have seemed to be very interested in all my history so far."

"It is to help you, if needed. You have not told me everything, and it is not necessary to tell me everything."

"We don't have that kind of time anyway," he smiled, but it was only a flexing of muscles, it did not come from any true emotion. Bucky slipped a little further toward the Winter Soldier, not quite enough to lose his sense of self, or so he told himself. The part of his mind that called itself was not able to know what sense of self he was experiencing.

"I think you do need to tell me, James. You are not yourself and should not be engaging in the memory ritual alone. There are dangers to it, if you get lost in your past, we may not be able to bring you out again."

"And here I thought all this was to help me, and now you say that I may just lose track of myself." He returned her stare, his stillness absolute. "And what would be there, instead of me? What would potentially never leave? Would it be forever?"

She did not flinch from his stare, did not comment on his stillness but he noticed she did not put her spear down, did not come closer to him. He tilted his head slightly, as if calling up memories, when they were already fresh in his mind. If she wanted to hear, he would tell her, and then decide his next course of action.