𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐃𝐎𝐖𝐍𝐒𝐈𝐃𝐄𝐒 𝐎𝐅 𝐈𝐑𝐑𝐄𝐒𝐈𝐒𝐓𝐈𝐁𝐋𝐄 [𝐣.𝐩𝐨𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫]

32: 𝔞𝔯𝔞𝔠𝔥𝔫𝔬𝔭𝔥𝔬𝔟𝔦𝔞

TW: more (b)(s)ad vibes?!?!?!

James watched Brigitte lean her head against Lily, their hair an integration of auburn to light blonde, spilling like rays of sunlight from the sky. James and Lily had entered into a mutual peace post breakup (much to the relief of Brigitte and Remus), a careful understanding that while their best friends needed them, they would endure each other's presence.

They didn't hate each other, not at all. But there was something raw, the way it had all played out. They couldn't help but think that in another universe, as different people under different circumstances they could've been perfect.

But alas, in this one, they fit like puzzle pieces from opposite sets. If you jammed them together hard enough, they stuck. But ultimately, they belonged elsewhere. They could not complete each other.

Lily's fingers pinched a bit of blonde, twirling it between her fingers as though she were spinning delicate spools of gold. Brigitte had her eyes closed, and slowly her breathing evened out with her cheek pressed against Lily's shoulder.

She'd woken up with a bad fever, so everyone abandoned their usual posts to supervise. She hardly did anything other than sleep, but Remus allowed James to drag him away from his bed so he could watch her anyway.

"Hey, moony?" James asked quietly, watching the two sigh in perfect harmony.

Remus marked the page of his book with his finger. "Yes, James?"

James sighed, his hand propped to support his jaw. "How come she never looks at me like that?"

Remus doesn't even need to ask who he's referring to. "Like how?"

"The way she looks at Lily." His lips were pressed together, eyebrows creased with a gentle frown. Remus could tell he wasn't genuinely upset. Just an odd sort of petulant reckoning that only applies to James Potter and individuals under 8 years of age.

"They're best friends, James." Remus stretched his sore back, stood up, and gently removed the book from Lily's hands. "Of course, they'll look at each other like that."

"Like what?" James leaned forward, looking him in the eye.

"Like she's her entire world."

James sighed again, causing Remus to snort under his breath.

He gave him a reproachful look. "What?"

"Nothing," Remus said airily. "You don't have to look so sad, you know. You've got one of those as well."

"One of what?"

"A best friend. A whole world confined in a single person. Sirius."

Just the name alone seemed to make James perk up. But something deflated, too. James had not spoken to Sirius since The Prank. He refused every advance Sirius made in the dorms and after classes, even though people were beginning to talk.

"Sirius," he repeated, curiously, as his vision darkened again. No, he hated Sirius. What he did was unforgivable. But he didn't broach the subject. "But what about you, moony? Who do you have?"

Remus paused for a moment, then shrugged. The easy answer would've been Peter, but the truth was that there was no one he would love the way James loved Sirius. And no one who loved him that way, either. It felt like a rusty knife was being plunged into his gut, saying it out loud.

If James were a man of weaker morals, it would've been Sirius he was spending his free afternoon with, not Remus. And boy, did James want Sirius. Just the mention of his name was enough to send him through the air, then crashing into the earth. Remus wondered how long James could endure this torture, of willingly withholding himself from his other half. He wondered how long James could even survive. Sirius was his lungs, his water, his very breath. Only a cruel man would deprive James of Sirius.