Julia Lelieveld and the fifth element

~22~

I couldn't say more. While I was talking I realized that I was telling it very extensively for my own sake. The therapists had let me tell them little bits and pieces and they kept adding to them. But now it was different. Sam couldn't complete it, so I did it myself automatically. Yes, that was it. I was talking on autopilot.

I was really surprised that I managed to tell.

My emotions raced through my body, but not as I expected. It seemed like something fell off me now that I'd shared it with someone.

I felt my heart make room for something else. Other feelings. As if I suddenly had a very small piece that made me feel more human and I felt more myself.

Now that I lay in Sam's arms against his beautiful strong body, I suddenly felt a different emotion.

How could this be? I had just shared my nightmare with him. I expected to be a wreck. That I couldn't stop crying because all the memories would be burned into my soul. Of course I had seen all the images in front of me and felt like shit. Of course I was sad, but I had been that way for about nine months.

The feelings slowly seeped into the very small open space my heart had made after I exposed myself like that. Feelings I hadn't felt in a long time.

Feelings of affection, love, lust and excitement. This was very weird for me. I wouldn't even dare to feel that way anymore. I would feel guilty to my mother and father that I could have different feelings. As if they would no longer be in my heart, which of course was nonsense. I would never, ever forget my mother.

I remembered the feelings I had. I'd had them on vacation last year when I was with Sam, only they seemed a lot more intense now.

As if Sam could see inside my head, he pressed me tightly against him and put his other arm around me as well. He gave me a long intense kiss on my hair.

That did me good. As if he was trying to say that he was very sorry for me and that he would always be there for me.

I noticed that I was pressing my body against him too. That I crossed my leg over his, that I wrapped my arm that rested on his stomach around his waist and pressed him even closer to me if that was still possible.

After that intense moment, he raised his head slightly and I felt him look at me. I turned my head to him and looked at him.

His gray-green eyes full of emotion looked at me intently. That was enough, that look in his eyes said more than all the words he could say.

We looked at each other for a moment, I felt his breathing and his heart speed up, just like mine. I found myself wanting to kiss him. I wanted to let go of the feelings I hadn't felt in so long. He probably saw it in my eyes, because very slowly he bent his head towards mine. Like holding his hand to my scar to give me enough time to make my own decision. But I wanted him to kiss me. I wanted to give in to my feelings.

I took my arm from his waist and wrapped it around his neck. I felt his muscles tense and I gave a little pressure behind his neck so that he would come closer to me faster. At the same time, I brought my head to his and our lips met.

His soft full lips pressed gently against mine. It felt fantastic. Like I'd never kissed before. The feelings coursing through my body were overwhelming. It was the opposite of how I'd felt for the past nine months. It seemed like I was really going to start living again. That my life started again where it left off nine months ago. I found myself pressing even more tightly against him. That I made the kiss even more intense. And he answered my kiss. He pressed his lips harder on mine. He turned my body so that I was half on top of him and he grabbed me tightly with both arms. I felt his one hand rest on the back of my head and his other on my lower back. Now that my other arm was free, I grabbed him by the shoulder. We just fit together, just like we danced.