Julia Lelieveld and the fifth element

~23~

When I got home I felt even worse about the whole situation. I started to doubt myself. Had I really behaved the way Bas interpreted it? No, surely? I had answered my feelings and it felt really good. I really wouldn't have done this with just any guy I first met there. Last year Sam had been my boyfriend for a while. And we had fun together. We were honest with each other and it felt familiar. Especially now that I had overcome my fear and told him about the accident.

I didn't want a disagreement with Bas at all, or was it perhaps an argument? I knew I didn't owe him, but I really tended to let him hear my side of the story. He had to know why I had behaved this way to understand me. I didn't feel like exposing myself like that, but I really thought it was necessary to keep our friendship the way it was. I sat down at my desk and started writing.

Dear Bass,

I'm very sorry about what happened tonight. I don't want to argue with you. I really like our friendship. I'll tell you my side of the story. I just want to say that what you said makes me very sad. You know me, but not well enough to judge me like that. I know you've had a bad night, but you don't have to take it out on me. And certainly not in such a hurtful way.

I met Sam about a year ago. We had a good time together and that was it. A relationship was not possible for us. Seeing Sam tonight felt so familiar. Suddenly everything seemed like it was a year ago. Why I thought that was so important is because my mother was still alive a year ago. I was happy then and enjoying life. When I saw Sam I felt a spark of that feeling again. I surrendered myself to it. It felt good and I needed it.

I hope you understand it. I didn't want to tell this at first and keep it to myself, but I think our friendship is more important than that.

Love Julia

I knew it was a short note, but it contained everything I wanted to say. I cleaned up everything and went to bed.

Sunday was a beautiful day. It was cold, but the sun was shining. I got up with the thought of going to my mother's grave. I looked on the internet for the train schedule. It would take about an hour and a half and then a taxi to the cemetery. I would be on the road for about two hours. It was now eleven o'clock, I could still do it easily.

I called my father to say I wanted to go to Mom's grave. He couldn't come because of his job. But he was okay with me going. If only I could be reached so he could always call to make sure everything was going well. With that appointment I set out by taxi. I would first give the letter to Bas and then go to the station.

We stopped at the barrier and I walked to the cottage. It was Peter, he was also there with the Halloween party.

"Good morning, what can I do for you?"

"Good morning, I would like to ask you to inform Bas Rondebal that this letter is ready for him." And I gave him the letter.

He looked at me questioningly. "You can also give it yourself," he said, pointing to the barrier. "No thanks, I don't have time."

"Fine, I'll let him know."

"Friendly thanks."

And I got back in the taxi. If I wasn't wrong, Peter seemed to smile. Maybe he thought it was a love letter.

Fortunately, the train journey went well. No delay or anything like that. I'd had a long time to think about last night. I checked again all evening and came to the conclusion that Bas had no right to speak like that. I had given him no reason at all. Just maybe my shirt didn't fit right. Other than that, he hasn't seen us intimately or anything like that.

I immediately thought of Lucas too. I felt a little guilty towards him. I knew we had nothing to do with each other, but I still felt something for him.