Lockdown | Conor Mason

Impossible

a/n: hi all, thanks for your patience, finally getting some more time to write! again thanks to everyone for reading, it literally makes my day/week/month <3

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Moonlight shimmered along the waves. It slid into the foam, intermingling, coming together and crashing apart endlessly, millions of tiny sparkling bits of white in the blue-black night.

I bit at my thumbnail, letting shards of it fall onto the decking next to my bare feet. Should have put on at least joggers, I thought, but somehow the 2 am chill felt good on my skin.

My mind shifted back to my flat, to the dim kitchen light emanating through the slider glass, to Amelia, sound asleep in my bed.

Amelia, who came to my flat in slippers for dinner. Amelia, whose quiet voice and tinkling laugh still echoed in my ears. Amelia, who'd shocked me nearly out of my senses when her shy, gentle ways had fallen away to reveal an intense, passionate lover.

Amelia, who even now lay sleeping in my bed.

We'd whispered and giggled together, curled up against each other in my bed, for what seemed like hours. When I'd mentioned carefully, as to not pressure her, that I had an extra toothbrush, she'd smiled at me so happily I couldn't help but wrap my arms round her again and squeeze her into me.

The vision of her standing at my sink, squeezing the toothpaste onto the brush while she hummed happily to herself, her wild hair frizzed out in all directions, clad only in the t-shirt I'd worn that evening...it made my heart nearly burst in my chest.

And when she fell back into bed and slid naturally into my arms, her head in the crook of my neck, I smoothed my hand down her hair and kissed her forehead. Mere moments later, her soft steady breathing told me she was asleep.

I'd laid there, listening to the lull of her breath, unable to sleep for fear of letting this perfect evening slip away.

Because come morning, reality would shatter it all.

Eventually I drifted off, but my sleep was fitful. Each time I woke I felt dread building up inside me, and finally, at nearly 2, I'd hauled myself up and padded outside.

Now I squeezed my fingers together around my knees, hugging them to my chest on the wrought-iron bench. Fucking pandemic. The sheer irony of it all was almost unbearable.

I meet the literal girl next door, fall hard for her, and she somehow incredibly seems to be into me, too. Perfect ending, except of course for this bloody virus that kept us apart for so long.

And that, come tomorrow, would tear us apart again.

Tomorrow afternoon -- no, actually, this afternoon, I corrected myself -- the guys and I were to form a COVID "bubble," so we could get together regularly and start back up working in earnest: writing, recording, shooting music videos and photos, all that.

I'd tank the livelihood of the whole band, the crew, everyone, if I ended up getting COVID because I'd so much as looked at anyone with my mask off, let alone got within two meters of them.

Including that angel asleep in my bed.

A shadow passed across the decking boards, and I turned with a jolt as Amelia pulled open the door.

She was holding her hair up from her face, squinting, and when her eyes fell on me she cracked a wide, sleepy smile. 

"Hey," she whispered.

"Hey," I replied, standing. "What are you doing up?"

She cocked her head and widened her eyes.

I chuckled. "Ok, fair. I couldn't sleep, needed sea air."

She nodded and pulled the door shut behind her, then stood with her back against it. Silhouetted in the glow from the flat, she really did look like an angel.

"Everything...okay?"

Her words lilted with worry, with...insecurity, even. Like she didn't know whether she could come sit by me, even after all that had happened this evening.

"Sorry if I crowded you. I've always been a bed-hog..."

She trailed off and looked at me with those wide eyes, full of anxiety. I shook my head and laughed.

"Oh please, Amelia, you're like, the size of a grain of sand, how could you possibly hog a bed?  C'mere."

I reached a hand out to her, and only then did I notice what she wore. She'd pulled on a sweatshirt - the one she'd bought me, the Kanye one -- but underneath her legs were bare. She looked so incredibly adorable -- and very cold.

"You're freezing, c'mere," I said again, and she took my hand with a small smile. She sat and I wrapped my arms around her, and though at first she hesitated, her body tensing up, after a moment she dropped her head to my shoulder.

We sat in silence, watching the waves, listening to their low shushing as they crashed and ebbed along the shore. Her body slowly relaxed into mine. Her hair tickled my nose, and I breathed in its citrusy-sweet scent.

A wave of guilt washed over me. I needed to tell her. To tell her what had to happen in the morning. That I couldn't see her again - at least, not like this. We'd go back to what we'd been: neighbors in isolation, keeping their distance.

But right now, I needed to savor this moment. I needed it as a keepsake, to pull up in my mind when, as I'm sure would happen, I craved her touch late at night and couldn't have it.

When she spoke I could hardly tell her whispery voice from the night breeze.

"I hope it's okay, that we...you know. That we...um. I didn't plan, I mean...I'm not usually...jesus christ, Amelia."

I looked down at her in amusement, and she peered up at me, exasperation at herself clearly written on her furrowed brow. She tried again to speak.

"What I mean is --"

I grinned. "You're wondering if it's okay that we had sex on our first date."

She nodded earnestly, her eyes fixed on mine, waiting.

I couldn't help it - I burst into laughter. Her rosy cheeks relaxed and the corner of her mouth twitched up into a relieved smile.

"Amelia," I managed, suppressing my giggles. "Did I fail to explain to you just how long, and how badly, I've wanted you?"

Her cheeks colored but her grin grew wider and she looked down at her fingers in her lap.

"I... maybe you alluded to it."

Then she looked up at me through her lashes, all teasing eyes and adorable dimples. I swallowed dryly.

"And hell, when you look at me like that, I start to wonder why we're out here and not in there."

I nodded my chin toward the flat, and she grinned a cheeky, flirty grin.

But then her eyes softened, and she reached up to run her fingers slowly down my cheek. I shuddered, my eyes reflexively dropping closed. I took her hand and kissed the inside of her wrist.

"Conor," she whispered.

I slipped my hand behind her head and pulled her in. He lips were cold, but warmed quickly against mine. I kissed her deeply.

Tomorrow could wait, I thought, as I held her close in the moonlight.

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