The Unstoppable Zuri

How it Really Feels

I spent a lot of time on Wattpad in the past. I thought, other than watching TikTok and going to my parenting classes, it would be a good idea to read some other teen pregnancy stories. They really made postpartum look like sunshine and rainbows.

It wasn't.

These Wattpad stories would have twins and triplets sleeping through the night, none of these girls were breastfeeding, and everyone seemed to immediately go back to normal after having a baby, sometimes multiple.

I was a week postpartum and really feeling down. I was still bleeding, totally sleepless, and I felt like I could just drink an entire lake's worth of water from nursing. I was constantly refilling my water from the slot in the fridge. I always had to have it with me.

To top it off, it was still snowy and freezing out, so it wasn't like I could open a window for air or take Sapphire out for a walk. I bought this gorgeous stroller with all the gift cards I got for my baby shower and gender reveal, but I hadn't even used it yet.

Today was going to be different, though. I was going out with Emmi and Lucy. I couldn't wait to show them Sapphire. They were so excited to see her again after all the pictures I posted.

I gave her a quick bath since she just had a blowout and wrecked another nightgown. I changed her into one that was black with white polka dots and had a matching hat with a bow. I used my handy dandy adaptive pliers to grab the sleeves and fold the mitten parts over her hands, then put some slip-on booties over her feet.

She looked so adorable, but she also looked like Elliot, it seemed like more and more each day. It was starting to freak me out, and I felt like it was keeping me from being close to her.

I looked at her, and I saw Elliot. I saw him yelling at me by the gazebo, telling me he didn't want her, or me. I saw all those days and nights we spent together, thinking about the future, talking about kids and houses. It was all gone.

He hadn't even tried to reach out since she was born. I just didn't want to give up hope that he really cared about his daughter. I knew I should, but I just couldn't. Her face looked a lot like him and it was kind of freaky, and she did explode out of her diaper all the time, but she was so cute. How could you not love her?

I set Sapphire down in her carseat, which was on my bed, then got her buckled in. I placed a pink fluffy blanket over her so she'd stay warm. I gently lifted her head and placed the support pillow behind her, since she basically still had a noodle neck as a newborn and couldn't support herself.

Once she was ready to go in her carseat, she started crying. I grabbed a pacifier that was sitting on my desk and put it in her mouth. She took it right away. I grabbed the special strap we made for the car seat and put it over my shoulder, which allowed me to use my crutches and carry Sapphire at the same time.

"Ready, Papa!" I said when I came out of my room.

We grabbed our coats and got Sapphire loaded into the car. I texted my friends to let them know I was coming. We were trying out a brand new cafe in town called the Book Nook. It was like a combo of a coffee shop and a library. They had board games available to rent there, too.

We pulled into the parking lot and my dad got the stroller out of the trunk, then clicked Sapphire's car seat into it. My dad in the past week had gone from baker to engineer, using pvc pipe and zipties to create a holder on the side of the stroller for my crutches. I placed them in the holder and used the stroller handle for support.

"Merci beaucoup, Papa! I'll let you know when I'm all done," I said.

"Take your time. I'll be busy for a while with the laundry anyway," he said.

I smiled and walked with my stroller over to the front entrance. I was tired and in a way, dying inside from stress and anxiety, but at that moment, I was taking in the fresh, freezing air, walking with my daughter. It was my first moment as a proud momma.

Some people who were walking out of the cafe saw me and held the door open, so I thanked them. Emmi and Lucy saw me when I walked in. They both ran over to hug me, to which I whisper-yelled, "Careful! My boobs are killing me!"

They really were. I thought it was bad with colostrum, but now that my milk came in, it was even worse. I already went up a cup size and now these bras were getting too tight.

We went up front, ordered some sandwiches, then sat down. The cafe was pretty quiet and the snow was beginning to fall outside. I really wanted a coffee to perk me up, but I knew it was just going to make me even more thirsty. I had my giant water bottle filled with ice, anyway.

"So, how's motherhood?" Emmi asked.

"Tiring. And scary. As good as it can be, I guess," I said. "I think it would be easier if she didn't look so much like Elliot."

"She just looks like a baby to me," Lucy said.

"No, no. She looks a lot like him. Her nose, lips, chin...I feel like I'm looking at his baby pictures when I see her," I said.

"It might just be your anxiety. I can see it a little bit, but I don't think she looks like a carbon copy of him," Emmi said.

"Who cares, anyway? He doesn't want to be in her life, he cheated on you. He never cared about you. Screw him. You just gotta keep moving on like you have been," Lucy said.

"I'd love to, but it's hard to do that when I'm tired and stressed and I feel like I'm always looking at him," I said. "I try to remind myself that she's not him, she's my beautiful baby girl, but she still has all his DNA and everything."

"Girl, DNA means nothing," Lucy said. "She's your kid and your kid only. He's not on the birth certificate, and he's never gonna care about her. He's gonna care about his FPS games and maybe his side piece. Maybe."

"If he's even still with her," Emmi said.

Lucy shrugged. "Dunno. I blocked his sorry ass on everything. But enough about him! We're not here to talk about him. We're here to catch up with you and my surrogate niece."

"Can we hold her?" Emmi asked, a hopeful look in her eyes.

"She's sleeping and quiet in there from the car ride, so I'd like to keep it that way for a little bit. If she cries I will deadass leak through the pads I have on and I didn't bring a spare pair," I said.

"Wait, so what they said on The Office was true?" Emmi asked.

"Yeah, you didn't know that?" Lucy asked. "A baby starts crying and your boobs automatically start leaking. That's always been true."

Emmi shrugged. "I just thought it was something they made up for the show. How was I supposed to know?"

"Anyway...am I missing anything good at school?" I asked. "I'm actually looking forward to going back, but that's five weeks away still."

"And it'll be gone before you know it," Lucy said.