Everlance Academy

Chapter 32

Nikolai is fast asleep. His arms are draped around me, my back pressed against his chest, his face buried in my hair.

He's a peaceful sleeper. No snoring. No tossing and turning around. No trips to the toilet every five minutes. He just lays there, breathing steadily, hugging me from behind.

Usually, I fall asleep just as quickly as he does. Not tonight, though.
No matter how tired I was when we went to bed, now I stare at a random spot in front of me, my mind racing.

I love Nikolai. I am in love with Nikolai. I feel love for Nikolai.
No matter how I word it, it sounds equally terrifying.

Is it even true? How would I know? Can you fall in love at seventeen? Isn't love something reserved for adults, and I'm being ridiculous for even considering it? Maybe I'm just young and not in love.

Or maybe I got it all wrong. Maybe I was supposed to be in love the whole time. Is that what a relationship is? When you're in it, does that mean that you're automatically in love? And I'm a horrible person for only feeling it now?

Sighing, I untangle myself from Nikolai, careful not to wake him up. Trying to make no noise, I cross the room and close the door behind me. Then I step onto the balcony. I need fresh air. I need to think.

Closing my eyes, I breathe in the cool air, feeling a breeze caress my skin.

Should I say something? Should I wait for him to say something? What if he never says it? What if he doesn't even feel it? We've only been together for, what, two months? Three months? I don't know if we count the weeks he was gone or ignored me.

Should no one say anything? Should one wait until marriage? Is that what it's for?

Do I want to get married? Not now, certainly, but in the future?

I groan. What the hell is happening to me? I'm seventeen, what business do I have thinking about marriage? Maybe I should actually become a nun. They don't have to worry about this stuff.

"June?"

I don't startle. Instead, I continue to look at the view, feeling him wrap his arms around me from behind, resting his chin on my head.

"What are you doing out here?", he asks groggily. His skin is warm and soft.

"Thinking," I reply vaguely, leaning into him and letting my eyes fall shut for a moment.

"About what?" His head lands on my shoulder, his face pressed against my neck, on which he plants soft, sleepy kisses.

You.

"Just life."

Life with you.

"It's a little late for philosophy, don't you think? Come back to bed. It's lonely without you."

I chuckle softly. "Okay. I'll be right there."

He nods, his face still hidden in my neck, but otherwise doesn't move an inch.

"You're going to stay there until I go back, won't you?"

Another nod.

I sigh, smiling faintly, and together we walk back inside, him behind me like a shadow, arms still draped around me.

When we crawl under the covers, he returns to his former position, hugging me closely. I'm beginning to think that he likes spooning. Not sure, though.

"Hold on tight, spider monkey," I say sarcastically, already half asleep. I'm tired all of a sudden.