Malevolent. The Walking Dead

[ 032 ] when the sun hits

032: when the sun hits

Joey didn't know whether she and Carl were technically dating now, or not. They've kissed a few times. They slept on the couch of Carl's house while the others were out trying to kill Negan. Joey worried more about the way Carl felt about her, and how he looked at her now, than whether or not Bill and Finn were alive. He made her feel like she was the only person in the world—that the two of them were the only people left. Joey believed she would be content if that ended up being the case. She liked kissing him—and she liked him. But calling him her boyfriend felt too final. Like the subconscious pining and the overwhelming urge to cry every time she saw him with another girl was better than actually attaining him—having him in the palm of her hand, like a toy. She wished she could cherish the moments forever—taking mental pictures and trying to remember every little thing. How he played with hair when they kissed, held her face, tried to do everything with his hands so as to not be awkward. Joey thought it was cute.

When they came back from the satellite station, everyone looked completely exhausted. Carol and Maggie especially. Joey didn't know what had happened, but she knew better than to ask Bill and Finn—especially when they pushed past her and went into the house. Joey gnawed on her bottom lip and waved to Carl from their front porch. He swayed with Judith in his arms and gave her a wave, then took Judith's hand and made her wave to her as well. Joey cheesily smiled and followed the boys inside, trying not to be a pest—but their silence was aggravating.

Eventually, Finn caved and told her the issue. Negan wasn't there—in fact, they had no fucking clue where Negan was. They thought one guy was Negan, but he ended up just running his mouth about how they were "all Negan". Rick shot him in the head before he could say anything else, and now they were all left stranded again. Joey decided to bite her tongue about hearing the men in the field say that they were Negan, too. Perhaps it could've saved them the trip to the satellite station if they knew what they were up against. It was painful to not know when or who these saviors were—and if they were ready to attack.

Bill was very quiet, and it was confusing Joey. Finn insisted that he was just angry with himself for not being able to kill Negan, but Joey knew him well enough. Something else was bugging him.

One morning, he was smoking a cigarette on the front porch. Joey knew that was weird, because he never smoked before. Apparently, Carol had started smoking too, and was clutching rosary beads like they were a lifeline. Joey hadn't spoken to anyone besides Bill, Finn and Carl since they got back. Everyone seemed on edge, and like they were scared of something. Joey decided not to prod at it.

"You OK?" she asked Bill, kicked out her feet on the porch and sat on the steps next to him. He took a drag of his cigarette, and put it out as soon as she got close to him. "Yeah." He cleared his throat, throwing the cigarette onto the long grass. Joey watched his movements, and knew something was wrong. "You sure?"

He was quiet for a while, and pinched the bridge of his nose, then rubbed his hands over his face. "I'm just tired of this shit." He breathed, sighing loudly and staring at his feet. Joey gnawed her lip, and nodded her head. "Tell me about it." She laughed slightly, but it wasn't genuine. If anything, it was so fake it hurt Joey to do it. She was tired as well—there was always something holding them back from having a normal life. They would never be able to settle—Joey knew this deep down. But it was as though someone was dragging a knife down her back with no remorse.

"I saw a calendar—at this satellite station. It's...it's almost Ellie's birthday." Bill began to cry slightly. He was hiding his face from Joey, and her heart hurt, like someone was reaching into her chest and squeezing relentlessly until they tore it straight from her body. Bill's body was slightly shaking with sobs, and Joey reached to hold his hand, tears sparking her vision to the point where he was just a blurry blob in front of her. "I'm sorry." She croaked. She had killed Ellie. Joey killed his daughter. She wondered if he ever had animosity toward her—especially now, as he was weak in front of her. Joey thought that he wanted to kill her, too. "It's my fault." She breathed. He shook his head frantically, holding her hand back.