Miracle Girl

IV

It had to be a dream. Even I was beginning to believe the doctor as he explained that as the cancer ate my brain, I'd show signs of mental illness. Hallucination was all she was. I had to stop calling her a she, she wasn't even a person - it was a figment of my imagination.

Now it was Amanda and I sitting on the bed eating vanilla hospital ice cream. "How are you?" She asked between mouthfuls of ice cream.

"Fine. I guess. Considering I'm dying." I continued. "And you?"

"Fine. Considering my brother's dying."

We smiled a genuine smile. This was nice. Amanda talked about boys and she asked about any girls I liked. I said I didn't know any my own age and she nodded, as if she could possibly understand what I was going through.

But, I liked this.

Soon she was done her ice cream that she pretended she liked, and there was a knock on my door. My friends were coming today. I wasn't sure who this entailed, since when I was diagnosed I kind of shut everyone out.

Gabe was the first to walk in.

And the last.

"Sarah wanted to come you know, but she couldn't get a ride." He said. Sarah and I had been neighbours growing up, but when we moved in grade four, we moved apart. I hadn't said one word to her in how many years, the same went for Gabe, but apparently he still came.

"I suppose she did." Gabe didn't come any closer than the side chair located near the door. It was sad, like I was not only dying by also contagious.

He told me of school, I told him about cancer, the conversation was dry - but I've been finding a lot of my conversation have been. I think it was everybody over thinking what they wanted to say, and then coming up with words about as tasteful as hospital food.

"What is -" He paused to shuffle the chair closer as if he were telling a secret, "What's it like, knowing your gunna die."

His question threw me off guard since for the past half an hour he'd barely scratched the surface on invading. I regarded him for a moment, studying his features, taking in everything about this curious kid. It was odd that I wanted to commit him to memory, but knowing that one day I might forget this moment was terrifying. That every moment that I has like this was going to be left up to the other person to remember, and then after they died, there'd be nobody to remember this.

"I think I excepted it awhile ago, like dying just went along with the cancer diagnosis. Like we're going to stick you with pins and needles, but your still going to die."

This time it was his turn to study me.

His dark hair was covered by a holed up beanie, because that's the way he bought his hats. Because that's the way he'd always been, some of him not really there and other parts ripped.

"You had no hope for chemo?"

I shrugged.

He averted his gaze.

"You don't think somehow you could live?"

I shrugged again because there was nothing more to say, and apparently Gabe picked up on that because he made some lame excuse about getting to the bus stop.

Before he left the room he turned back to me, "Next time, and there definitely will be a next time, I'm bringing Sarah." Whether he will, I don't know.

Until then, I could channel surf.

But too soon my Russian Hockey is interrupted. Which frankly, because of my limited knowledge and appreciation of the sport, made me not mind much.

That was before I saw who was standing in my doorway.

It was the girl.

"Jonas." She said as if testing my name on her lips for the first time.

"Listen here, I don't know who you think you are but -"

"Lila."

She came a few steps into the room, up to the side table filled with balloons and flowers - the only thing that contrasted against the white pallet of the room.

"Okay Lila, I'm going to have to ask you to leave now." I said, trying not to let the irritation sift into my voice.

"I can't." She simply stated before going on and reading the lame words written in overly fancy writing on the balloons.

"This is my room." I stated.

"Not before it was mine." Before I could ask what she meant, she continued, "Have you been to the roof yet?"

"Are you a patient here?" I thought the second part of my statement to myself - perhaps part of the psych ward.

"I was." She said in a reverent tone, casting her eyes out the window.

I fiddled with the blanket in my lap, not wanting to stare at her. "Have you been to the roof yet?" She asked again.

"I wasn't aware there was anything up there."

"There isn't. Just a view."

Before I could inform her of how I was to stay in bed at all times because of my muscle mass decrease, she snapped her head towards the door.

Although I didn't hear anything apparently she did. "Your parents are coming, and I think a doctor is with them."

As she went to leave I asked last minute. "What room are you in?"

She looked back and studied me a moment, then shook her head as a sad smile touched his dainty lips. She didn't answer me, instead she went out the door. Just before she turned I noticed her bare feet, though they didn't slap on the floor with every step. Her feet didn't make a sound, along with the rest of her.

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