Lamp oil

10. Some clarity

Tobirama

I hadn't seen him in a while.

I worked every evening, but he wasn't there, at the bar. The man who worked the days Madara had off stood there instead. 

Madara had never just disappeared before. He'd had some odd days off, but then he'd always let me know. I frowned as I twirled my poi around my body, lighting up the beach with the orange glow, the sand as perfect of a canvas as my skin; it was so fair. What if Madara was punishing me since I never told him when I had days off? I shook the thought away; it was a power move from my side, not telling him, but he knew, and he'd never minded but kept informing me about his own days off, anyway.

After a week of no Madara, I suddenly became worried that Madara had actually quit. So I asked the club owner, who just smiled and said Madara had asked for a week off to go on vacation with someone.

I felt my heart freeze to ice. I honestly didn't know what would've been worse; him actually having quit without saying goodbye, or this. It must be the chestnut man. It must be. Who else?

I tried to collect myself. Maybe, he was meeting up with family or a friend. What did I know?

But I knew. I knew it was the chestnut man

After my gig, I stood looking over the ocean, trying to understand what it was I felt. The last few years of my life, or most of I life if I was being honest, had been void of all emotions except for the despise I felt towards people less successful than me. Since Izuna had diminished that for me, maybe there was room for other emotions? What was I feeling now, regarding Madara and the chestnut man? I tried to think of jealousy, but I'd never felt it before, so I didn't know. I tried something else then, imagining Izuna with the chestnut man, and it was as if someone had poured thick, black oil over my heart. This, I thought, this was jealousy. What I felt regarding Madara was not it. With Madara, it was the fright of being unsuccessful, of being everything I hated in other people. Someone was better than me, and I had a hard time living with it.

I contemplated Izuna instead. I had considered asking him to come stay at my place, but something stopped me. Truth was, I was frightened, frightened because I didn't understand what it all meant. I used to loathe people like Izuna, and believe they deserved the misery they'd brought upon themselves. But now, I imagined him alone, sleeping under a bridge like that time I had found him on the verge of being fucked up in the botanical garden, and felt terribly ashamed and guilty.

"Hi."

I didn't turn around. I hadn't noticed him sneaking up behind me. I couldn't help but feel happy he was here. Finally... Finally, maybe some clarity. 

"Hi, Madara", I said softly.

"How are you?" he asked kindly. We rarely asked each other that question.

"I don't know", I said honestly.

"I'm sorry for leaving without telling you", he said.

"It's okay."

"I just thought-"

"Madara", I interrupted. "You don't owe me an explanation." You don't owe me anything.

We stood still for a while at the beach, me with my back to him, both of us looking out over the ocean. A single lighthouse blinked every few seconds far away. It was almost as if I could hear the light. I wondered if Madara could hear it, too. I wondered if Izuna would have been able to hear it, had he stood here.

"You've met someone, haven't you?" Madara asked.

I couldn't help but smile a sad smile.

"Yes", I said.