Lamp oil

13. Izuna and Madara

Tobirama

It was a nightmare.

The light rain had been exchanged for a heavy pouring. As if that wasn't dramatic enough, there was a thunderstorm approaching from the ocean.

Shit...

I was running in the rain, looking for him. I screamed his name, over and over, but my screams were drowned in the rain and the thunder. I was in a panic, I realised, unable to think straight, to act in a suitable way according to the situation. Instead I just ran in circles, screaming his name, thinking of all the horrible things he could do to himself, and that other people could do to him. In the end, I was drenched to my bones and shivering. My muscles became agonisingly slow in the cold, and I realised it was time for my performance. I staggered back to the club, where I performed terribly. Well, as terribly as was possible for me; even in my lowest the audience cheered for me. They didn't notice. 

But he noticed...

He was alone today, the chestnut man nowhere to be seen. It was a relief, as I wouldn't have been able to handle it. Not now. But I was ashamed, ashamed Madara had seen me so lousy.

I caught his eye when I was finished, and he looked worried. I turned to go to my tent, knowing he would follow to take care of me.

I stood in the middle of the tent, still soaking wet but warmer now I'd been surrounded by fire and guilt. Madara came up behind me, put his arms around me.

"It's okay, you know", he said softly. "It's okay. I knew this would happen. You deserve to be happy."

"I love him", I murmured, surprising myself. My voice was thick as if it were full with lamp oil. "And I hurt him. I hurt him so much."

And I broke down.

I cried and cried and cried, thinking about how he must feel, how Izuna must feel having finally broken out of his shell, realise how fantastic he is only for me to throw his newly gained confidence into the ground where it shattered into a thousand pieces, and then step on it. 

Madara came up to me and held me, and I let him. Madara didn't say anything, just gave me time, let me finish what I needed to finish. Finally, I could speak.

"What's his name?" I asked.

Madara was quiet for a while.

"Hashirama", he finally said.

And with that name, I let Madara go.

Izuna

The world was spinning too fast.

The world was spinning too fast for me.

Over and over, I saw the picture of Madara in my mind's eye. He was perfect. Absolutely perfect. What Tobirama said about me being better than him must have been a lie. How could I compare to that?

I contemplated what it all meant. It wasn't strange Tobirama had a picture of Madara in his phone. But maybe, it was okay that something made me upset even if it wasn't wrong. Maybe, it was okay if I cried.

I was drenched now, wet to my core. I was grateful for that, grateful that the pain in my soul could be transplanted to pain in my visible body. The rain was pouring, making it hard to see further than what was right in front of me. Somehow, my steps had led me to that door that went up to the little loft where I'd seen Madara dance. It was closed, but I went up to it and tried it. It was still unlocked so I walked in, grateful for the light and the warmth. All the way up the scrawny stairs, slipping several times as my Converse were wet, but finally, I reached the top room with the little window. I lay down on my back, panting, hiding my face underneath my arm. I realised I wasn't panting only due to fatigue, but because of low blood sugar. I hadn't noticed because I already felt terrible due to the cold. I took a needle, drew some blood, measured. 2,4. Shit, this is bad...