Broken In Love

A/N Umm Hi to anyone reading this, just a little thing I want to say. There a lot of talk of suicide and cutting so if you don't like those things do not read! And I'm sorry for any gramma mistakes, it's not my best subject. 

 This story starts not at the beginning but at the end. Not at the end of a day, a week, a month or even a year but the end of my life.

 I’m going in to Uni on my last day of life really; as today is the day I decide I’m going to commit suicide.

 I wake with a pain in my chest and a numbness that makes me empty, but this is how I start every morning, in pain. As I stand in the shower this morning, my head leaning against the wall as the water runs down my neck just enjoying the fact that this is the last time I’ll ever be able to do it. I stand in front of the mirror trying to straighten my dark brown fridge in submission, not at it ever quite works so I always end up with a kinky bit at the bottom. But what am I even bothering for? It isn't like anyone says hi to me or even gives me a glance in the corridor or even notices I’m there, matter about notice I spend twenty minutes in front on the mirror trying to make myself look of a mess.  

Even so, this morning I do everything slowly and try to enjoy every little thing from trying to eat my breakfast, to the long bus ride that always leaves me feeling slightly car sick.   

 I don’t think anyone knows what I'm planning to do but as the day goes on people keep pointing and looking at me with sad expressions on their faces and I think it must off got out how I don’t know as I haven’t told anyone.  It makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable everyone looking at me, I have always been a shy person I’d rather be hiding at the back of the room than up on stage in front of everyone it’s one of main reasons I don’t have any friends though the depression doesn’t help.

 I got to my last lecture of the day English without anyone saying anything to me but throughout the lecture a girl kept looking at me (I think her name is Alison) with the saddest look on her face, I wondered why she even cared it’s not like we’ve ever spoken. I'm standing having one last look at the lecture theatre before putting my jacket on and leaving when someone taps me on the shoulder. It's Alison.

“Hey Jack, can I talk to you?” she asks

"Err” I blush, I don’t know what to say I'm never good at talking to girls, I always end up mucking up my words and especially today I’m even more shy than normal (And that’s saying something)

 “Sorry I...err have to.... go...Sorry” giving her a small smile and walking out though I can still feel her eyes on me.

I’m coward and I can’t kill myself with a gun or a rope, throwing myself in front of a car would be too likely to fail and there were no bridges for me to jump off so under a train it is. I’m standing at the edge of the station looking out at the darkness on the other side and thinking about finally being free; it’s begun to rain a slow drizzling rain than goes right down your neck. I can see the train pulling up and I know it’s nearly time, I step forward but someone grabs me around the waist and pulls me backwards.

 “JACK what do you think you were doing?” Alison yells

 “Setting myself free”

 “Can’t we talk about this?” she sounds panicked and I little out of breath even though I'm the one who’d just tried to kill themselves

 “It’s too late for that”

 “It’s never too late, Jack I refuse to watch you do this”

 “Then don’t look” I say. “There’s no point in you trying to help, no one wants me, no one's ever wanted me. The world would be better off without a stupid, messy, no body like me”