Broken In Love

Too Messed Up To Sleep

I’ve lost count of the amount of times I lay awake at night but for once I'm not thinking of reasons I hate my life I'm thinking of a...girl! Alison had wanted to save me when I tried to jump in front of a train but I still don’t know why, I mean I’ve barely said ‘Hello’ to her in the corridor what was her motive? Maybe I should just trust what's right in front of me instead of questioning everything, but that’s what my life has done to me I have never been able to trust anyone, why would that change? I turn over on my bed still thinking about Alison as she’s also pretty, long wavy brown hair that’s parted in the middle and falls nearly half way down her back, big green eyes that sat behind small square glass, on sit on her small nose and she has lovely smile. She isn’t tiny nor big just in the middle though was shorter that me! I lay my head down on the pillow hoping maybe for a trouble less sleep.... Yeah right.

I woke up far too early after a rubbish sleep but I wasn’t expecting anything less I never sleep well, depression always effects worse at night, it’s when imagines of horrible things in my life came back to haunt me and it’s always when I question my life and if it is worth it? I always come up with the same answer ‘no’ but last night I wasn’t so sure.

I can’t even remember the last time I’ve woken to a text that wasn’t form the phone company but this time it was Alison.

“Hey Jack, I’ve found something will you come to mine for lunch? [Address] Ali xx”  

I spend as much time as I can in bed before pulling myself out and getting ready to meet Alison; I look a mess and feel horrible (I mean coming down with a cold horrible) as I walk outside into the freezing wind and rain. She lives in a big house on the other side of town I realise I don’t know anything about her family or about her but when you’ve come from a life like mine you don’t want to hear about someone else’s happy families. I knock at the door to be greeted by a well-dressed older woman.

“Who are you? And what do you want?” she asks, coolly

“Err I’m Jack and I’ve come to see Alison”

“Sorry but no, goodbye” she's about to close the door in my face when I hear Alison yell.

“MUM! Let him in now”

“No I’m not letting you get distracted by some low life” Normally I might be offended by this but not recently as I just agree with them, I am a low life. I can’t hear what happens next but about a minute later Alison opens the door.

“I’m so sorry about her, please come in” she smiles.

The house is bigger than it looks, all the walls are white with posh furniture and photos everywhere, and I feel like I’m making it scruffy by just being here. She leads me into the living room, there’s a big window, a white sofa and even more photos.

“You have a lovely home” I say, just looking for something to say.

“Thank you” she smiles. I look over the photos they were all pictures were of a family the same family, Alison’s family. Her mum, dad and two other kids an older boy and a little girl siblings?

“Your family?”  

“Yeah....” she trails off.   

Alison leads me through into her bedroom (By the kitchen so we can get lunch) her bedroom is a huge! A double bed, a desk, another big window,  

“So......” I say awkwardly. “What did you want to show me?” I ask, putting chips in my month.

“I’ve found out it’s possible to find out where a person is buried”

“Okay how?” I ask

“Well we’d need to know roughly where to look but apart from that it’s quite easy”

“Easy? If you say so...” I smiles; I can’t remember the last time someone had probably made me smile.

“There can’t be that many cemeteries we’ll find her, I promised” she smiles. I’m really beginning to feel comfortable; I don’t know what it is about her.

“Alison, can I ask you something?”

“Yes?”

“Why err did you..... Sa......ave me?” I can’t get it out straight I'm nervous.

“Because I’d regret it if I didn’t” she’s stopped smiling and wouldn’t look at me.

“Okay....” I don’t know what to say.

“Jack don’t focus on why, just that I did now I have to do the second part prove to you that your life is worth living and that means I’m going to get you to talk to your mum but I need your help” I’m surprised by her answer I don’t know what I expecting but not that!

“Okay now we’ve over that, do you mind if I ask you some questions about your mum?”  She asks. I’m so not over it, I want to tell it’s hopeless and I’m too far gone and can’t be saved, there was nothing left for me but I don’t.

“That’s fine” I say, dully.

“What was her name?”

“Marie Leanne Albright”

“You kept your mother’s name?” she asks, looking at with her bright her green eyes.

“Course I fucking did, after everything my father put me through I was NOT keeping his name” I don’t why that question makes me so angry.

“Oh sorry I didn’t mean upset you. Right this might be a hard question but what did you mum die of?” there was sympathy in her voice.

“Honestly I don’t know no one ever bothered to tell me. Those day were horrible and something it’ll haunt me forever and it’s the biggest regret I’ve got” When I ever I think about those days when mum was sick I want to break down and had done countless times but I try to hold it to hold it together. It's no good, warm tears start to fall. Alison wraps her arms around me and gives me a hug.

“It’s okay, it wasn’t your fault” she whispers in my ear.

“Alison don’t you get it? Everything’s my fault, everything has always been my fault” I’m trying not to full on brake down.

“No, Jack listen to me. You have to stop thinking that every horrible thing that’s ever happened to you is your fault, horrible things always happen to the nicest people. The problems you’ve had in your life are not your fault” she still has her arms around me as she talks.

“You don’t know me or how much it hurt going through everything, how can you even say that? You don’t know anything”

“I would if you just told me and I know more about these things than you’d think” she argues.

“I can’t, I can’t ever tell anyone these things”

“You can trust me” her voice pleading

“That makes no difference”

“Jack, I’m trying to help you and you’re making it harder by not telling me things”

“Stop asking me I won’t...I can’t” Then I leave, I walk out of her room, out the house and walk all the way home in the pouring rain. I’m so full of stupid emotions, sometimes I wish Alison had let me jump in front of that train but she’s trying to help me and all I can do is it throw it back at her, I feel terrible I just want to curl up in bed and forget it ever happened so I do.