You May Be The One

I Used To Dream That You Were An Angel

Santa Monica, California
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
(1:30 pm)
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"Just before our love got lost you said I am as constant as the Northern Star and I said, 'Constantly in the darkness...Where's that at? If you want me I'll be in the bar...'"

Stevie had played her way through the entire Blue album this morning as she'd sat in the bathtub, enjoying her usual morning routine before her house became filled with people and music and yelling and laughing and playbacks and microphone feedback and all of the insanity that four months of making an album and letting Dave film it all had brought into her life. She had to admit, she was really enjoying herself...and Dave Stewart was the reason.

"On the back of a cartoon coaster, in the blue screen TV light, I drew a map of Canada...oh, Canada...with your face sketched on it twice..."

Last night, before she went to bed - a bit earlier than usual because it was still dark outside - she had found herself rapid-fire sketching something new, an image that had popped into her head as she'd been sitting up watching Dr.Frasier Crane and his brother, Dr. Niles Crane, engaged in competition in an old episode of Frasier on the Hallmark Channel over a coveted spot at an exclusive country club. She had drawn until it was almost finished - a sketch of a woman in the ocean with two men on either side of the sky - but she'd had to stop because she intended to draw one as a devil and one as an angel...but wasn't sure who got which designation - the man with the sunglasses and cool hat with rings on every finger, or the man with curly hair and a guitar in his hand, reaching his other down into the ocean towards the woman with long flowing hair and a little dog at her side...

"You're in my blood like Holy wine, you taste so bitter and so sweet, oh I could drink a case of you, darling, and I would still be on my feet, I would still be on my feet..."

Stevie had to remind herself in that moment that this was not a competition between Dave and Lindsey that she had set up when she'd called him on Monday night. She didn't know why the competitive theme of that episode of Frasier she'd been watching had put the idea for the sketch in her head, or why every word out of Lindsey's mouth on Monday night had made her have to hide how happy she was about working with Dave and what a good time they were having together. She'd almost felt the way she had in 1975, whenever she and Mick had been playing around in the studio or hanging out as friends and doing something as innocent as listening to music and smoking a joint...and she'd had to hide it from possessive Lindsey or there'd be trouble. She still remembered hiding the Edith Piaf records deep in the closet because Lindsey would have flipped out when he realized Mick had given them to her because she reminded him of the tragic, passionate French singer.

And look how THAT turned out! she thought to herself, almost laughing at the absurdity of how little, young, inexperienced Stevie had not seen her affair with Mick Fleetwood coming from miles away, not known with absolute certainty that when everyone else passed out that night in Hawaii and she and Mick were still going strong at the mirror topped with little white lines on the coffee table at four in the morning in his den with the wood paneling on the walls, that he would not have caught her eyes with his own through the cloud of Marlboro smoke between them and kissed the little dab of white powder from her nose before kissing her lips, eventually muttering under his breath after he'd brought her like a rag doll to his bed and was kissing all of her as he stripped her of the black slip dress she'd worn to make Lindsey notice her, the words she had never forgotten in all these years, "God help me, I can't stay away."

She thought of Mick playing drums on some of the songs on this new album and how they'd worked together seamlessly, and told herself this thing with Lindsey would be the same - no past drama entering into present-day work. Mick was married and had two little girls at home. Lindsey was married with two little girls and a boy...it was the same thing. Hell, Dave had a wife and children at home...and everyone involved in the project knew how she and Dave had begun their friendship - with a one-night stand after a Eurythmics concert the year "Sweet Dreams" was inescapable and she'd tossed Joe Walsh's clothes out of the bedroom window and shouted at him not to come around anymore.

Okay, Stevie, you're thinking in circles now and also, it's bullshit, she told herself in the tub as Joni Mitchell continued to sing. Mick, Dave...neither of these two men are Lindsey. Neither of them make you weak in the knees when they wrap a pair of headphones around your ears and tell you good luck before you start recording. Neither one of them watch you singing with a look on their face like you are a miracle, an angel walking on earth. Neither of them make you cry when they go home to their wives and children because it could have been you.

Stevie took her time getting dressed and ready, making sure she looked her best but not too good, like she was trying. She put on the Stevie Nicks uniform - black leggings, black tunic blouse, black fingerless gloves, her tan snow boots that had become basically slippers for her at this point. She paid special attention to her hair, still fluffy and bouncy from yesterday and hanging in loose waves around her...realizing she was subconsciously making sure it was still silky enough to the touch...just in case. Lindsey had a way of reducing her to a pile of mush whenever his fingers touched her hair, making her feel like she was the most beautiful woman on earth when he twirled it around his fingers, making her feel completely safe when he stroked it with a gentle hand...the way he had on stage that night during "Tusk" at Madison Square Garden...the night that started the conflict they were still in today...

"Stevie? Dave just got here." Karen's voice appeared from outside her bedroom door, accompanied by a light knock.

"I'm coming down in a minute," Stevie called back from the mirror. "See if he wants coffee."

Dave had been coming over at three o'clock every day, but he was early today, most likely because Lindsey was coming over and he wanted to have "Soldier's Angel" ready for him. Lindsey had told her on the phone at the end of their conversation on Monday night that he'd be there at four o'clock, and she looked over at the green glowing numbers on the cable box in the bedroom TV cabinet. 2:17.

One hour and forty-three minutes until I have to throw myself into the project so I don't wind up pitching a crystal vase from the mantle at him in a fit of rage...or burst into tears and ask him how he could be walking around so cavalierly after what happened in New York City...or throw myself at his mercy and ask him not to leave...or all of the above.

Stevie took a deep breath and a last look in the mirror, then picked Sulamith up from her place on the bed where she'd been waiting for her - she was almost thirteen now and moving slowly because her hearing and her vision was not the greatest anymore - and little dog in hand, she descended the long spiral staircase and was greeted by the usual commotion. Everywhere she looked were the faces of people she loved - Karen, Lori, Sharon, Waddy, Dave, Kellianne, Mary, Glen - and she knew that if things got tough, she had any or all of them to lean on today.

It's a shame, she thought as they all cheered for her arrival in a teasing manner and began the usual round of Stevie-is-perpetually-late jokes as well as the techno dance music so they could start their usual routine of dancing it out before work began. Someone had put on "I Like To Move It, Move It" and Lori was already dancing with Sharon's Maltese in her arms. Stevie began to dance her way into the circle with Sulamith in her arms and a smile on her face, as always.

It's a shame that not one of these people here fills the void that one person left inside me no matter how hard they try.

She made a mental note to finish her sketch tonight after everyone went home and she was alone in her bed with her dog.

She knew who to draw as the angel now.

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