echo. | larry stylinson.

Chapter Eleven - Building Confidence.

Harry’s POV:

“Harry, let me see,” Louis said, grabbing my arm and pulling my sleeve up even more. I stopped moving. The world around me disappeared and I stopped feeling anything. The voices inside my head were screaming, telling me to pull my arm away but no matter how hard I tried, my whole body felt paralyzed.

I tried to swallow but my throat still felt like it was drying out, my eyes followed every movement Louis made. He was about to discover my secret – the secret that I’ve been hiding for six years, it will all be out soon, it was just a matter of seconds.

Louis slowly unwrapped my bandage and I looked at my arm, my stomach turned and I felt like I was going to vomit any seconds. Louis arrived at the last layer and I was silently accepting the fact that I couldn’t stop him from finding out. It was too late.

Louis’ eyes widened as he saw my scars, the faded ones, the healing ones and the ones that I had made yesterday because they were still red and swollen. I bit my lip as Louis looked at each scar, running his fingers over them.

“W-Why do you do this, Harry? Why do you hurt yourself?” Louis said, looking up. His blue eyes met my green ones, sadness was written all over Louis’ face. I tried to find the right words to say, but I couldn’t find them.

~

Louis’ POV:

That’s why Harry had bandages on both of his forearms, he was cutting himself. And he’d been doing it for a longer time, it was undeniable. His scars on his arm gave it away.

Some of them looked new, like they were made yesterday, or the day before yesterday, but they definitely weren’t old. Was the bullying affecting him so much that he had to hurt himself, too? Or was there something else that I didn’t know yet?

“W-Why do you do this, Harry? Why do you hurt yourself?” I asked him, my voice sounding more confident that I was. I never had to deal with anyone who self-harmed, and I was afraid that I could say the wrong thing.

He looked at me like he was trying to speak, but no words were coming out of Harry’s mouth.

“Harry, I-“ I started to speak as I noticed a tear rolling down Harry’s cheek, and I hugged Harry. I didn’t know why, my body as moving on its own. I hugged Harry, and he started to cry harder, unable to speak a word.

 ~

Harry’s POV:

I felt the tears well up in my eyes as Louis looked at me, but I didn’t know why, I could feel he was disappointed, and he probably was uncomfortable. Before I was able to stop it a tear made its way out of my eye and down my cheek.

Louis saw my tear and hugged me. It was unexpected, but I was too weak to push him away, my body still felt paralyzed. I nestled my face into Louis’ chest and tears streamed down my face.

Louis stroke his hand over my back, trying to calm me down. I sniffed and finally I found the power to push Louis away. I leant against the wall behind me and looked at Louis. I still didn’t know what to say.

“Why are you doing this, Harry? I-I’m not judging you or anything, just… why?” Louis said and I sighed, wondering whether I should tell him or not.

“Harry, I can help you, we can get help for you, you can get better, okay? I’m genuinely concerned about you.”

Louis took both of my hands into his while talking, directly looking into my eyes. My skin was shivering at his touch and my stomach was tingling, what was happening?

“I just… I feel so alone, you know?” I started without thinking about anything.

“I’m alone all day. I get beat up at school, I get called names and it’s been happening since middle school. I never did anything to anyone, I never did anything to Zayn, Nick or Josh or anyone who followed them just so they wouldn’t get bullied as well. I pushed people away because I was afraid that they might get treated like I do at school. I couldn’t bear the thought of anyone getting hurt because of me. My family started to leave me alone when I probably needed them the most. My sister went to college two years ago and she hardly even calls me. I think the last time she called me was five months ago. My mum started to go out more often after my sister went to college, claiming that she needed to make up the time she spent at home looking after Gemma and me. She used to be here in the evening, but she isn’t anymore. I’m either in pain at school, or left alone at home, which is pain, too. This darkness, it has me, you know? I’ve been fucked up for so much longer than anyone knows, my mum thinks she knows me, but she doesn’t. Why would she take time to care about me? Nobody does. I’m worthless, ugly and stupid. I’m not worth anyone’s time. Nobody wants me around, but I can’t blame them because I don’t even want myself.”

Louis looked at me. “Why don’t you want yourself? What do you mean?”

“I hate myself. I hate every part of me. I hate the way my hair looks, I hate my thighs and I hate my stomach. I hate my face, I hate my mind, I hate every last bit of me. It’s like being trapped with the one person you hate with all your heart, the one you find just repulsive, absolutely disgusting and horribly ugly, forever. You know how sometimes you’ll look into the mirror and even though you don’t like yourself most days, you’ll have a day where you can look into the mirror and say, “Wow, I look good” and be confident? I never have those days, ever. I see my every flaw, because flaws are what I’m made off.”

I tried to hold my tears back and my voice got even weaker with every spoken word. “I thought about ending it all a few times, more and more lately, but I don’t have the courage to kill myself, I’m just a worthless pussy. And you know the worst part is, I even push people I love away, the people that mean the most to me, and it breaks me. I’m broken, and I’m far from being okay.”

I swallowed and my look wandered over to Louis who had a shocked expression on his face and I waited for him to say anything. And every second he stayed quiet felt like an eternity for me.