Being here feels weird.
It's weird.. and I thought Paris would help me but it didn't. The room I'm in doesn't differ to the one I have back at the hospital. It's pure white. From the bedsheets, The painted walls, the cabinets and couches. It's spacious but.. It's blank.
Roaming my eyes around as I sat at a corner with me curled up to myself, hugging my knees and leaning lifelessly at a wall.. It made me feel lonely again. Lonely at the extent of having to feel like I'm in a new psychiatric ward for a fucked up sentence to death. They said this is my home. That I own this hella big of a house and it was honestly weird to think that my old self would want this kind of so-boring-so-dull bedroom. I'm starting to judge my past self.
It's been hours since we landed.
Since I said those words.
Since Daehan shouted at me at the plane and Aryané crying nonstop silently, peeking and looking at me with little hurt and hopeful eyes. I honestly didn't know why I even said those things. Maybe I didn't like the idea of Daehan having connections other than me and having something to cherish in connection with other people. Maybe I didn't like the idea of Aryané not being mine.
Or maybe I'm just fucked up.
Ever since I woke up from that hospital bed days ago at Guam, Guilt never really left me. At first, I didn't know why. Followed by me casually trashtalking someone who happens to be my wife, then taking her kids out without her knowing, then shouting at every damn person I see after that rooftop venture as I didn't like how myself were. Then now, hurting her child.. our child.
I wonder what the old Elvira would do now?
Would she even consent to the things I have been doing? Was she really soft spoken? A very understanding, patient sister, mother and wife?
Did I really lose myself?
Would she know what to do now? What would she feel if she knew that I have been shattering her wife and her kids' hearts to pieces everyday. Honestly, when Ate Azura told me I'm going here in Paris, I found it as an opportunity to get away. To drown, to let myself feel all that I have to feel. I don't want Daehan and her kids here, not because I hate them. But because I don't want to hurt them anymore.
I heaved a deep breath and just let myself cry a few tears. I guess this is my life now, hurting and feeling miserable afterwards. If not, maybe staring at a blank wall, thinking about shits and everything that drowns me in despair until morning. I just saw my phone ringing for an alarm.
It's already 7:30 in the morning. I switched my gaze at the sliding window without really moving myself. I have been crying, thinking and staring for hours. I feel like a bastard with nothing really good to do in my life. I bit my hard and dry lips as my stomach growled. I haven't eaten anything since yesterday and maybe after feeling how disgusted I am with myself, cooking for me would be a great thing to do.
People deserve good things once in a while, right?
Who am I kidding.
I tried to stand up which I quickly stopped after feeling an intense headache. It must've been my lack of sleep. I just sighed and tried standing up again with my hands tightly holding at the side table for support. I combed my hair with my fingers and changed my clothes to a white oversized tshirt and a short. I went out.
I walked down to the huge ass gold staircase to see my achievements, medals and diplomas placed at the side. My pictures, the Windsors and The Festejos. Dae.. I took a deep breath again as I saw her Graduation picture at the end of the stairs. I never really took my time looking here yesterday as I quickly ran to the room assigned to me by an old annoying man and broke down in there.
