Living with body Dysmorphia

My Emotional Mess.

So this is a true story/ documentation of my feelings and emotions through my mental disorder. I haven't told anyone about this at all. I've kept it bottled up inside of me. Now, I'm gonna let it all out. Enjoy, and I hope that if any of you out there are in my situation or a similar one, that you can find hope and peace with this. ❤️

Hi. I'm megan Woodworth. I live in New York, USA, and I am 14 currently. But when this all happened, it was not of a spread throughout middle school. It still sometimes creeps up on me. It sucks. Okay, I'm 80lbs currently and 4'11 1/2. I'm petite. I can still fit into justice nicely for hell's sake! So, yes, i am extremely petite. I have barely any acne, and I have ADHD, which doesn't rule my life. I take medication for it, no biggie. My great grandmother is suspected of dying because she was anorexic. That's the best I got for possible motives. Okay, so, have any of you guys ever seen Shane Dawson on YouTube? Well, he has a body and mental disorder called body dysmorphia where everyone sees him as thin and muscular and such, but he looks in a mirror and sees himself weigh double the amount he weighed yesterday and fat? Well, I have body dysmorphia. I look in the mirror every other day and examine my stomach. I'm often bloated, because I only have one kidney as of a little more that 2yrs ago. So all my water gets processed by only one kidney into urine, this takes longer. And I hate it with all my heart. It makes me look fat. If I ever said that, my friends would kill me bc I'm really not, but I feel like I am. They try to convince me, and I say okay I'm sorry and stuff, but the truth is, I never say myself as skinny, even though I am. I accept it now, but most people don't realize that when you're 14 and skinny, it's extremely hard to stay skinny. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's hard to get skinny, let alone stay skinny for anyone, but it's especially hard when you hit puberty, bc you can't diet, it will her your body. Most people don't know that. So I look in the mirror and see a 2 month pregnant 14yr old, meanwhile everyone sees a skinny skeleton. Well it wasn't so bad that people noticed. And it was short. It was one week, water and bread diet. I guess you could say that I never really starved my self, but I have definitely done the bread and water diet multiple times. It frustrates the hell outta me when people say that they want to be as skinny as me. That's what drive me to write this. And then there are tons of kid who always makes fun of my petiteness and body, jokingly of course, but sometimes it drives me to diet. But I'm not mentioning their names. One says that their 3 year old niece has a bigger butt than me. Another BOY says that we have the same bra size. Like you really wanna see D or C cups on my tiny figure because that would be weird and look fake af. So you don't want me to be flat chested, but you wouldn't want to see me with D or C cups?! Like idk what you want from me!!!?! Some used to call me pebbles because of my chest. I have a dancers body! And I am(or at least was) proud. But do you realize that you're going too far?! You're degrading my confidence that I tried so hard to build up. It's a wall and you're crashing it down. Why?! What's the point?! One person said that it wouldn't matter if my skirt flew up because I'm flat anyway. Like you're any better *le crosses arms across chest and mutters* talking bout other girls figures. *le stops muttering* AND PEOPLE SAY TO NOT CARE BUT I CANT!!! YOU DONT GET HOW THESE WORDS DETERIORATE ME ABD THEY HURT!!!! DONT RUB IN MY IMPERFECTIONS!!!! IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE CRAP!! AND I DON'T CARE IF YOURE KIDDING, IM NOT!!!
Now, I feel like if I'm not the really skinny one out of my group, I'm no one. And they'll reassure me that that's not the case but I. My head it is and always will be. Both my parents and my older sister aren't necessarily on the skinny side, but my sister is built muscle-wise because she power lifts. My mom said that she was as skinny as me when she was my age. And the when she started developing, it hit her, and she stared to gain weight. And I love my mom to death, don't get me wrong, but it actually scares me that that's gonna probably happen to me soon. The same thing happened to my sister. but both my parents are short, under 6'0, So that's understandable why I'm short.
I'm not gonna say what happened next, because I'm honestly ashamed of what I did as a result(as you'll see). Let's just say... I didn't feel like enough for someone. Anyways, I went back to my diets, until that day. I was home alone, and walked over to my full body mirror. ANd for the first time in about 3 weeks, I looked in the mirror and saw what I actually looked like, after being on this diet for about 2 weeks. I almost screamed. I could faintly see my rib bone. I was so scared. In fact, I was terrified. I suddenly felt light headed. And almost fainted, but before I almost fainted, I thought, this isn't with it. I need to stop. I have to STOP. I had this new urge to eat after a week. I pulled my self off the couch, I ran to the fridge and ate and ate until I couldn't. I ran back to the mirror, and the same, fat picture of myself was painted over it. I felt defeated. I felt trapped between being a skeleton and being a girl in her early pregnancy. I couldn't take it. So I got back into my regular diet, and swore that I would never do that again. I had a new determination. Not be be skinny, but to be healthy. Now, I'm still underweight and petite, but less. I gained 20lbs since then, and I now have a 2-pack of abs. Okay, thanks for reading my emotional mess. Wow, that felt refreshing. I feel for you if you're in this situation, but my advice is to not let it get to the pointe I was at. Bc it was a wake up call, and I don't know what would have happened if I didn't look in that mirror that day.