gray rock sisters

to m

unedited

m,

i started this with a head overflowed with things i want to tell you. but, now that i am taking the time to sit here and write, i cannot express a single thought. maybe i'm scared that somehow, some way, this'll make its way to you. maybe i'm not ready for the judgement of those who will read this (assuming someone will).

i remind myself that i have so many days to tackle every single thing we've swept under the rug. to finally have the conversations we never should've avoided. to tell you what went through my mind that one august morning two years ago. to ask why you couldn't wait till after the holidays and now it will never be the same. 

i'm thinking maybe we should've just screamed at and hit each other. maybe then, i would've moved on. i cannot help but wonder, if we hadn't buried so much, would it have turned out better? would we have been salvageable? would we be less angry?

you know, the silent treatments nipped at us. we considered it a blessing in disguise then because "thank the universe, i don't have to talk to you." but god, i'm starting to think that they only sealed our doom. was it a symptom, a warning sign of the festering between us? not a single unnecessary word uttered for a month two. how delusional were we to think that the distance mended all the broken bones. scratches turn into scars on their own. but flexible leathers, curved plastics, and years of quiet resentment and passive anger harbor lesions. wounds, left unattended remain the same if they do not become worse.

i am truly uncertain and at a loss with what i am trying to achieve with this. is this my attempt to clear my name? become sane? get back control? i do like this set-up. the way i get to talk freely and you have no choice but to listen. the way i can speak without being interrupted or argued with.

m, this is me giving myself something we were both robbed of- time. as i am writing, it feels as if i can decide just how fast the clock ticks and when the sun will set.

a

author's note:
i am writing this with no other purpose than to express what i am feeling. this is not meant to be filled with beautiful prose, excellent writing, life-changing advice, brand new perspectives, or whatever else you can think of. if you read on, i urge you to cleanse yourself of expectations because you will most likely (definitely) be disappointed. with that, thank you for taking the time and effort to read this. i appreciate it a lot. you're welcome to leave comments but please be kind. my inbox is also open for those who have more private things to say. i will try to reply to everyone, but it may take me some time to say the right things. if you enjoyed this, feel free to vote since it truly is motivation.

scarlett vivienne