leave before you love me

***

"You know, when they asked me what I felt for him, at first I could not answer this question," the guy begins to say, lying on a leather sofa, "But, only when I left him then I realized what I feel for him. More precisely, it all started much earlier, I think. But, you know, this feeling when you kind of love, and you don't seem to love, but you are afraid of it."

"It's normal to feel fear," the man adds, making notes in his notebook.

"Yes you are right. I just sometimes wonder: 'Why didn't I understand this before?'. Why did I let him go like this? Why did everything happen only because of my stupidity? I just said what I used to think, but did not think at that moment. But, it just flashed in my head. Jealousy so closed my eyes that spitting out these words in his eyes saw how the world was crumbling. Sounds sappy and just like in the books or these movies, but it's true. I've never seen him stay silent for so long."

"What happened next?"

"He asked me to repeat my words. And I'm a moron, I repeated them. Do you understand, doctor? I repeated those damn words twice. He just said that we are nobody to each other. As if once and threw out what was between us all these six months. And I was so wrong. So I made a mistake when he came the next day and said that everything was fine. He said that he was used to hearing this addressed to him", the guy falls silent, closing his multi-colored eyes, "I stood and begged for forgiveness, to which he smiled and said that he was glad to hear the truth. The truth that hurt him and drove me crazy. Then, he simply said that he would not stop loving me even when he left. And he left. Just disappeared. It's like he never existed. Just evaporated."

"But he was, wasn't he?" specifies the psychotherapist.

"I don't know anymore," Jimin chuckles bitterly, running his hand over his face, "After the accident, I don't remember anything about what happened in my past life. It was as if everything that I had before was taken away and thrown into the trash can. No matter how hard I tried to remember, I remembered only his smile and his ordinary eyes. I didn't understand what was happening to me. But when Stephanie told me that she notices how I look at him, she became sad. She said that I had never looked at her like that, even though, according to her, we were madly in love with each other. As if with the advent of him in my life, I became more elated. And these wings that were behind my back made me so happy until I myself took them and cut them off. And he disappeared. Like a figment of my imagination, which played out after a coma and amnesia."

"What was his name?"

"Jeon Jungkook," the guy says with a smile, closing his eyelids again, "Such a beautiful name, just like himself. I have never met such people, although if I did, it was because of my problem", knocks on the head, "I don't remember. But at that moment, he seemed so perfect to me, although, most likely, he is. Perhaps he left, as he wanted to, to a quiet little town near Portland. He got a dog and cats, reopened a small cafe where children came in, for whom he makes the most delicious milkshakes."

"You don't want to find him?" the doctor suddenly asks, looking up from his notes.

"Do you see the point in this? How do you imagine that? 'Hey Jungkook, remember this? I was such an asshole that it was only after you left that I realized that I loved you and, it seems, I still love you. Shall we start from the beginning?' "

"And you can gradually increase the old relationship, why not?"

"Because if I look into his eyes, I would like to hear from him those words that he spoke from the very beginning. He called me his moon, which came to his aid, illuminating a dark forest path in the darkness. He called me a marshmallow because he always said that I was too soft and just looked like him. He called me a baby, although of the two of us I am already two years older. Once he called me a cloud when I came to a cafe in a white fluffy hat, which, as it turned out, was given to me by Stefania. Cloud," smiles quite like a child, "I will not endure silence in my direction. My heart breaks every time the emails I send him go unanswered but read each time. His brother said that's how he treats anyone who hurts him. But, I never thought I'd feel it for myself. I think I would tolerate any silence in my address, because as it turned out, I love loneliness. But silence on his part is tantamount to the most terrible torment. So deeply immersed in it that this silence is killing me."