No Crazy Matches Our Crazy

Two Years Ago

Emma's POV:

My name is Emma Johnson. I'm the adopted sister of Vanessa Carlysle, my only friend in this fucked-up world. For some reason, she's dragged me into Sister Margaret's, a bar for mercenaries and assassins. Not that I'm against people taking out people like our uncles, but this doesn't seem like the best place to find our next clients.

Me: "If I end up with some weirdo with a bullet fetish, you will never hear the end of it, Nessie."

Vanessa: "Oh, come on. We'll find someone for you."

Suddenly, I hear a man shout out from somewhere in the bar.

Wade: "Soldiers of fortune, drinks on me!"

Weasel: "Domestic, nothing imported."

I look to the bar to find a guy about to pay a fuckton of cash.

Vanessa: "What about that guy?

Me: "He's cute. But, you sure he's not your type?"

Vanessa: "Only one way to find out. You wanna take his friend?"

Me: "Yeah, why not? I'm in a good mood. And bartenders are usually pretty fun."

Vanessa: "In more ways than one."

We both laugh as we walk up to the bar.

Vanessa: "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, baby. Are you sure you wanna shoot your whole wad?"

I wink to her bartender, who dons a sheepish grin as he spills the drink he's pouring. Too easy, but too late to back out now. The man looks Vanessa up and down.

Wade: "Uh, tight."

Vanessa: "Vanessa."

Wade: "Wade. Who's your friend?"

Me: "I'm her adoptive sister. Emma Johnson."

I can see him trying not to laugh.

Me: "Go ahead. I've heard them all."

Wade: "So, you're the 'Johnson' every girl is talking about."

Me: "Nah, I don't swing that way."

He snickers before turning back to Vanessa, as I expected.

Wade: "So, what's a nice place like you doing in a girl like this?"

Yep, he's Vanessa's game now. Suddenly, I feel a fat guy tap me on the ass as he walks by.

Buck: "I'd hit that."

Wade grabs him by the shoulder and turns him around.

Wade: "Buck, you best apologize before-"

Vanessa tightly grabs his balls, surprising everyone but me.

Wade: "Yeah, that."

Vanessa: "Say the magic words, Fat Gandalf."

Buck: "I'm sorry."

Me: "Breathe through the nose."

Buck: "I don't have a filter between my brain and my-"

Vanessa tightens her grip, before Wade calls her off.

Wade: "Ok. Hey, oh, oh, oh. Hakuna his tatas. He's sorry. Get out of here. Go. Go cast a spell."

Wade gently places a hand on Vanessa's shoulder, but she waves him off as I do the same for the bartender.

Vanessa: "Hey, hands off the merchandise."

Wade: "Merchandise? So you two, uh, bump fuzzies for money?"

Me: "Yep. Not all at once, though. And never with the same guy, though."

Wade: "Rough childhood?"

Vanessa: "Rougher than yours. Daddy left before I was born."

Wade: "Daddy left before I was conceived."

Vanessa: "Nice try. Em?"

Me: "Daddy left me outside of a diner after he & Mommy forgot to pay the tab. Police picked me up, dropped me into a shithole adoption agency, Nessie's family took me in, and we've been inseparable ever since. Except for tonight, of course."

Wade: "Touché."

Vanessa: "Ever had a cigarette put out on your skin?"

Wade: "Where else do you put one out?"

Me: "We were molested."

Wade: "Me too. Uncle."

Vanessa: "Uncles. They took turns. For each of us."

Wade: "I watched my own birthday party through the keyhole of a locked closet, which also happens to be-"

Me: "Your bedroom. Lucky, she slept in a dishwasher box, and I never slept at all. Too worried those uncles would come back for round two."

Wade: *gasps* "You had a dishwasher."

I laugh at his optimism.

Wade: "I never knew sleep, either. It was pretty much 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix, and clown porn."

Vanessa laughs at the idea.

Vanessa: "Who would do such a thing?"

Wade: "Hopefully you. Later tonight. Hey, what can I get for $275 and a Yogurtland rewards card?"

Vanessa: "Baby, about 48 minutes of whatever the fuck you want. And a low-fat dessert."

Vanessa sticks the gift card into Wade's mouth and walks away. Wade follows after her, but I stop him short.

Me: "Listen, I know this is all in good fun. Nothing personal, just business, and all that crap. But, hurt, mistreat, or do anything that fucks her up in any way, hakuna matata will be the least of your concern. Treat her right, keep her safe, and don't tempt me! Got it?"

Wade nods frantically, so I let him go.

Me: "Have fun, kids! Don't do anything I would do."

Weasel: "So, what's your sign?"

Me: "Not gonna happen."

Weasel: "Ok."

Me: "But, I wouldn't say no to a Blow Job."

Weasel: "The drink or-"

Me: "What did I just tell Wade?"

Weasel: "Right, one Blow Job drink coming up. You know, that's actually one of Wade's signatures."

Me: "Yeah, what can you tell me about him? Is my sister in any danger or anything?"

Weasel: "Nah, for a merc, he's pretty warm-blooded. He was actually in Special Forces a while back. Your sister's in good hands. Literally."

Me: "Dude!"

Weasel: "Sorry."

Me: "I hope so. I was gonna say that."

TO BE CONTINUED