No Crazy Matches Our Crazy

To Tell or Not to Tell

Emma's POV:

Wade bursts through the door as he tosses his gun to the side.

Wade: "Morning, sleepyhead. It smells like old lady pants in here."

Al: "Yes, I'm old. I wear pants."

Me: "But you're no lady."

Al: "Neither are you."

Me: "Touche."

Wade slips into his blue Crocs.

Wade: "Oh! So comfy."

I help Al walk to her chair in the living room.

Al: "Upside to being blind: I've never seen you in Crocs."

Wade: "You mean my big, rubber, masturbating shoes?"

Al: "Yes, I know. Downside of being blind: I hear everything in this duplex."

Wade falls backwards onto the floor with a groan.

Wade: "Sit on a stick."

Al: "Bactine?"

Wade: *takes off the rag* "Yeah, Bactine should do it."

Me: "How's the Kullen coming along? IKEA doesn't assemble itself, you know."

Al: "You're telling me. I don't mind the Kullen. It's an improvement on the Hurdal."

Wade: "Please. Anything's an improvement on the Hurdal. I'd have taken an Hemnes or a Trysil over the Hurdal. No, I didn't get excited until I saw the Kullen."

Al: "Screw, please."

Wade: "Here? Now? Just kidding. I know it's been decades."

Al: "You'd be surprised."

Al finishes the Kullen dresser and sits down in her armchair.

Al: "Ta-da."

Then, the dresser falls apart within seconds.

Me: "Fuck Craigslist."

Wade: "And I quote, 'Looking for roommate, blind to life's imperfections. Must be good with hands'. Or would you rather we build the IKEA and you pay rent?"

Al: "Why such a douche this morning?"

Me: "Let's recap. The cock thistle that turned me into a walking furnace-"

Wade: "And me into this freak."

Me: "Again, that's debatable. But, he slipped through our arms today. Catching him was our only chance to reverse Wade's mutation, get my sister back, and prevent this shit happening to someone else."

Wade: "So, yeah. Today was about as much fun as a sandpaper dildo."

Wade storms off to his room, while I hang back with Al to try and fix the dresser.

{Time skip}

I'm asleep on the couch, when Wade sits next to me with a groan. I pretend to still be asleep.

Al: "Tylenol PM?"

Wade: "You can stick that where you stuck the Bactine. I raided my stash of wisdom tooth Percocet and I am orbiting fucking Saturn right now. But I appreciate the gesture."

Al: "Am I crazy or is your hand really small?"

Wade: "About the size of a KFC spork."

I quietly chuckle at the mental image.

Al: "Ugh. I get why you're so pissy, but your mood's never gonna brighten until you tell this woman how you feel."

Wade: "What do I keep telling you, Mrs. Magoo? She wouldn't have me. If you could see me, you'd understand."

I can see him, and I still think he's good-looking. Don't read into that.

Al: "Looks aren't everything."

My point exactly.

Wade: "Looks are everything. You ever heard David Beckham speak? It's like he mouth-sexed a can of helium. You think Ryan Reynolds got this far on his superior acting method?"

Al: "Love is blind, Wade."

Wade: "No, you're blind."

Al: "So, you're just gonna lie there and whimper?"

Wade: "No, I'm gonna wait till this arm plows through puberty, and then I'm gonna come up with a whole new Christmas Day Plan. In the meantime, I'm gonna grab the unicorn from Emma's room and head off to mine. I bet it feels huge in this hand."

Ok, never touching that unicorn again. I feel Wade brush a stray lock of hair behind my ear as he walks away.

Al: "You really want your sister back?"

Me: "She's the only family I have left. Of course I want her back."

Al: "Even if it means losing Wade to her forever?"

Me: "What? Come on, we're friends. I'm not 'losing' him."

Al: "You are, you just don't wanna admit it."

Me: "He's her boyfriend. The fact that I like him has nothing to do with-"

Fuck, guess the cat's out of the bag.

Me: "How do you do that?"

Al: "When you're my age, it comes naturally. Wanna talk about it?"

Me: *sighs* "What can I do, Al? They love each other. They make each other happy. How can I rob either of them of that? What kind of person does that make me? What kind of friend does that make me? What kind of sister does that make me?"

Al: "The kind that follows her heart. A lot can change in a year, Emma. You weren't always this flexible, or flammable. How do you know they haven't moved on from one another?"

Me: "Because the whole point of this is so he can get the happy ending he deserves."

Al: "And why does he deserve a happy ending?"

Me: "Seriously? Because he's brave, strong, loyal, loving, funny, supportive, and still as handsome as he was a year ago."

Al: "And why give that up?"

Me: "Because as much as I love him, I also love my sister. I won't hurt her just because I'm too fucking selfish to let them be happy together."

Al: "Who's to say they can't be happy on their own terms? No one can tell you for certain if Wade's happy, except Wade himself. Your sister loves you. If it makes you happy, she'll understand, and be happy for you both."

I'm speechless. She's got me there.

Me: "Fine. I'll think about it, but I can't promise anything."

Then, Wade barges into the room with a panicked look.

Wade: "He's got Vanessa."

That, on the other hand, I can promise will not end well.

TO BE CONTINUED