You are my soulmate | Han Jisung | ff

10

chapter 10

|False Confidence – Noah Kahan|

•••

I woke up and I felt like the whole world was so much heavier. It hurt to breathe, to move, even to speak. I decided to take the day for myself. To decide what I am going to do. I don't know what I'll do now. I don't have Jisung anymore. I thought and immediately thoughts of last night's conversation repeated in my mind. My emotions take over me and I begin to cry.

With my eyes all clouded with tears I text Jiwoo telling her I'll take today off to gather my thoughts. She texts me back asking if I want her to stay with me, and as much as I would like that, I also know that I need this time to myself. To reflect and to heal a bit from yesterday's events. A lot happened in only 24 hours, and I surely need to let everything rest in my head. I answer her saying that it's not necessary and get out of my bed. I go to the kitchen and prepare tea. For the first time in 6 years, I don't drink coffee in the morning. I know how much caffeine will make me more anxious than I already am. So, tea should keep me in my tracks.

I spend the morning with my phone on "don't disturb mode" so no one can reach me. I seat on one of the two chairs of my kitchen table and open the pink journal that it's filled with stickers on the cover. I grab my black gel pen and begin to write. I don't write to myself, I never liked that. It seems weird in my mind, so I simply write it to someone else. That person doesn't exist, I don't how she is, I don't give it much thought. I simply gave her a name, the most common one, really. Kate. Maybe it's because when I was a teen I was obsessed with the Britain Royalty Family, but when I started writing to her, I never really thought I was writing to a Duchess, let alone to Kate. I just wrote to her like she was Jiwoo, but in an even more personal way. In a way where I know, that if someone ever heard me say such things, they would be either concerned or appalled about the things getting out of my mouth.

It's in my journal that I show everything about myself, it's in there that I show my weaknesses, and it's there where I'm the rawest I can possibly be. Sometimes I wonder if someone got to read my thoughts and if they would even understand me in the slightest. I doubt. I always feel like I'm alone in these situations. But I have never felt like this before. Like your heart has been torn apart. Like someone grabbed it from my chest and left me to bleed. And the worst is that I lost the capacity to scream for help, scream out of pain. I lost everything in the process. I lost Jisung. I lost friends. I lost my personal life. I lost my privacy. I lost myself. I lost everything that I had.

"I don't know if I can do this any longer, and it's only been two days." I say to the person on the phone. I have written everything that I could. I showered and made lunch. Right now, it's 2 pm. Time seems to take longer to pass. I think to myself as I check the time. 14:02 – it passes only 2 minutes since I looked at the clock. I sigh and the voice on the other side of the line wakes me to the call again.

Eunwoo, believe I would like to help more. But I feel like my hands are tight. However, please keep sharing with me what is going through your mind. I don't you to be all alone with yourself.

"I promise that I'll try, Seungmin. But don't worry much, Jiwoo says she's on her way to spend the day and the night with me. Do you still want to come tonight or do you think it's too risky?"

He agrees to come to have dinner with me and Jiwoo and that puts a small smile on my face. At least I still have two people in my life to turn to. I conclude. Once my call is done with Seungmin I start thinking about what I should do next and a chore that I have been putting off comes next on my to-do list of the day "Decide what to do after graduating."