The Soldier and The Spy: Tess Danvers- Episode 1

Chapter 8

Tess slept deeply, soundly, far better than she had in months. Years if she was honest. She always slept better with Jay. His weight and warmth kept her anchored when the nightmares rushed in, kept her safe from the memories that threatened to drown her. Without him beside her, without knowing she had him to return to sleep had been hard to find. For a while she'd even had to go on medication, after too many months of deprivation had come closer to killing her than any opponent ever had, but she hadn't stayed on them long. Not only because they dulled her senses but because she hadn't been able to bear them. To bear being reliant on anything or anyone that wasn't herself. That feeling wasn't quite as deep-seeded as it'd once been but it was still strong, still formed the DNA of who she was now.

And yet there were fingers running through her hair, so soft and loving she remembered when it hadn't been that way, when she'd loved openly and fiercely, her heart a badge of honour on her sleeve. She tried to hold onto the feeling, sure it was a dream, but they kept stroking and slowly the thumping of the heart beneath her ear pulled her into consciousness, the events of last filling her mind not like a flood but like a movie, pictures on a reel that danced behind her lids.

Jay was here.

He was really, really here.

He wanted to be here. To be with her.

As if to prove it he pressed a kiss to the top of her head and she smiled, pushing closer until every part of her was pressed into him. Into that enticing, inviting warmth. "Did I tell you I missed you?"

"Yes." There was a pause but it wasn't soft, wasn't as lulled or comforted as she felt and the haze of drowsiness around her started to lift. "Do you believe me when I say I missed you too?"

Tess was up in an instant and all it took was one look to see that Jay was wide awake, and likely had been for hours, the time spent not in slumber like her but sitting in guilt. Her heart began to ache at the pain etched in his face, his brows drawn together, lips tight, hunter eyes heavy. How many times had she felt the way he looked now? She reached out to cup his cheek, savouring the feeling of his stubble scraping against her fingers. "Jay just because you didn't come after me doesn't mean you stopped loving me. Just like my leaving doesn't mean I stopped loving you."

"You never left."

His eyes were hollow as he stared up at her, so solemn and sad it was an effort to not fall into them, to crumple on his chest and let their pain run through them. Part of her wanted to but she knew better, knew what they needed right now wasn't to break but to build each other up. What Jay needed was for her to build him up, to soothe him the way he had done for her last night.

"I don't care that you didn't look for me. I don't care that you didn't come after me and I am not angry that you were with other people." He knew she was right. She could see it in his face, just as clearly as she saw his forced denial. It had her sliding her hand down and gripping his chin, forcing his eyes to stay on hers. "We went our own ways. I don't blame you for that. And I don't blame myself for it either."

It had taken her a long time to reach this conclusion. To not just say the words but actually believe them but she had. She did. Even though there were still moments when her own guilt threatened to crash over her with the force of a tidal wave Tess understood that just because they'd loved each other didn't mean they could be together. Not then, not at that time. But it wasn't just that they'd made their own choices, they had made the same choice. She had chosen her job, her life, and Jay had chosen his. And though letting go had hurt she knew it was the only thing they could have done because if either had sacrificed their career for the other they never would have been able to forgive themselves. They'd had to go their own ways. But they hadn't had to keep loving each other. Keep hoping for a future that wasn't promised. Those had been choices and they meant more to her than any pain or distance or happenstance of fate. Through all the darkness she'd endured that was what had gotten her through. sure they had a lot to unpack and it wasn't going to be easy but they would. They would do it and they'd be alright. They'd be happy.