The Soldier and The Spy: Tess Danvers- Episode 1

Chapter 9

All she could think about as she drove was Jay.

The image of him watching her go was seared in her mind, as was the inexplicable knowledge that he had stood there for long minutes afterward. She pictured him finally walking back into the precinct, how Trudy would look at him now Tess wasn't there to force some level of politeness, the looks his team would give him, the questions they would ask. The explanation Voight would demand.

She had done this to him. Put him in this position.

She hadn't meant to. Hadn't wanted to, but wishes and wants didn't matter. Only the truth, and the truth...

The truth was this sucked.

The truth was it wasn't anyone's fault but everyone was blaming themselves. Jay was blaming himself and she couldn't bear it.

She couldn't bear any more hurt.

Tess drove to the marina by memory, not really paying attention to what went on around her but still aware of it, of the people who went about their lives and Dave the retiree who owned one of the other houseboats, automatically returning his smile and wave from where he sat on his rooftop patio. Same spot he could be counted on to be found every day from 6AM to 6PM, when he finally went inside to watch the news and old war documentaries. She liked Dave. He'd started keeping an eye on her boat when she wasn't in the city and then made a habit of calling her over to chat when she was, and even if he did love to go on about his time Vietnam he was always kind and never stuck his nose in anyone's business.

Before she knew it she was walking through her front door, stripping down as she climbed the stairs and tossing her clothes on the bed, blindly making her way to the shower until finally she stumbled in and turned to its highest setting. The heat took her breath away with a gasp and she welcomed the accompanying sting, tilting her head up so the water could run down her face. She'd struggled with cold showers ever since leaving five years ago, the association to Jay too strong, but she'd still needed a release so she'd done the opposite; it hadn't taken her long to adjust and she'd relished the change, the opportunity to feel all she burned with instead of numbing it.

And right now she was burning.

So she slumped back against the tile, and with a shuddering breath finally let all the emotions she'd kept under tight control since last night reign free. There were a lot of people who believed crying was a weakness, especially in her line of work, but she'd never believed that. For her it was cathartic, a way to release the weight she carried and see clearly again. And Gods did she need that right now.

She had been on guard from the moment those men had come at her in the alley and this was the first time she'd been able to come down, the first time she could think without Jay's presence influencing her. Because when it came to him... they'd always been so connected, so in tune that it was like being one person. With one look they could tell what the other feeling and with another they could usually tell why, and though like any healthy relationship they'd had boundaries at the end of the day they'd told each other everything because they'd always wanted to. And it wasn't that she didn't want that closeness anymore, half her tears were from relief, but things were different now.

Tess was different, and it was important to her that she find the same balance with him that she had with everyone else, between what she wanted to share and what she needed to keep for herself.

Slowly her tears died and she caught her breath, and after a few more minutes of letting the heat seep into her skin she finally stepped out. She took her time as she dried off before slipping back into her pants and trading her sweater for a cream-coloured cropped crop top, noticing as she did little bits of red speckled on the sheets. From Jay's back. Her hand ran along the soft cotton as the memory rushed through her, the love and pleasure intermingled until all she knew was Jay. The need she'd felt for him last night had been visceral and she still felt an ache when she thought about him, a heat that was only cooled by the knowledge they would be together again.