One Fate Leads To Another

Chapter 20: The Breakdown

I didn't get another chance to meet Lily.

Everyone thought that the Potters had chosen Sirius Black to guard their secret, but I knew they picked Peter Pettigrew. No one at that time, except Dumbledore and I, knew that Pettigrew had already turned to the Dark Lord.

There I sat in Severus' room, letting the tragedy happen. I could barely eat anything. It is what it is. No, it wasn't. There is nothing I can do. Murder the Murderer before he kills again. He was too powerful. Set a trap, use the potions, anything at all...

I howled. I used the cutting spell on my left arm and heal it, then I cut it again, over and over. I wanted to let the pain numb my feelings. I wanted to bleed for Lily, for her family, so that they will not suffer. It didn't work.

"Expelliamus!"

Ah, it must be Severus, who had returned home and disarmed me. I didn't even bother to glance at him, just standing up to pick the the wand that was thrown to the corner.

My arm was bleeding and the blood dripped on his carpet, but I didn't care. I couldn't feel anything, not anymore.

"What do you think you're doing?" He drawled, squeezed out every syllable as he furiously marched towards me. His steaming eyes caught sight of my left arm.

"It is tomorrow." I murmured. My hollow eyes stared into his.

"It is possible that the Dark Lord cannot find them. Sirius Black is loyal." He began curing my arm with his wand.

"Severus," I asked in distress. "Are you not aware of what the Dark Lord was capable of?"

He found himself at a lost of word. I figured, because he agreed with me. I grabbed his wand by force when he was off guard.

"Crucio," I pointed it at myself.

"ENOUGH!" He thundered.

Severus snatched the wand from me and threw it as far away as possible, then enfolded me in his arms to block my movements. His dark cloak wrapped me up like a soft blanket. He remained so firm that I couldn't move an inch. Even after I gave up struggling, he refused to let me go.

"Think about the people who care about you. How torturous it is for them to see you like this. Life isn't fair, Liz, surely you have noticed, but it isn't hopeless."

"I have no influence on fate."

"No one does."

"Then having feelings must be the most malicious curse." I droned, leaning my head against him.

In a little while, I felt less miserable. Little by little, I released my strength within his hold. All of a sudden, the burden seemed to lift from my chest as I leaned my whole body against him.

In exhaustion, I felt asleep.

I refused to get out of bed the next day. What if I got up and hear the bad news?

Severus didn't go out. He would be misidentified as the enemy anyway. Part of the reason could also be that he was too worried for me to ever leave home. Even though I had asked him multiple times and reassured I won't harm myself anymore, he refused to return my wand.

There were letters, messages, through all sorts of medium, from the fireplace, from owls... He would picked them up and read in a different room. I didn't ask him about the letters, nor did him revealed to me what was written.

He was thoughtful in his own way.

Severus left halfway during dinner. He experienced a sudden ache on his upper arm where his dark mark was imprinted. I felt it too, the mark on my mine was burning, but very soon reduced nothing. The dark mark was linked to the Dark Lord. Even those with a head not so bright could figure out what went wrong.

As he left in a swift, I continued to sit on the wooden chair by the dining table, curled up my body and started humming unconsciously a familiar tune, Visions of Gideon. I picked up the cold iron fork and rolled the spaghetti one loaf by another. I hadn't eaten much these days, but I couldn't waste the food that Severus prepared himself.

The noise of the patter of rain filled the air, and the few rays of natural light couldn't penetrate the closed curtains, transforming the house damp and gloomy. There I sat, where my eyes were as hollow as those found on the dead. The humming tune was driving me mad whilst comforting me at the same time.

Severus returned hours later, looking tiresome. The cuffs of his trousers were soaked wet. All it took was a simple spell to dry them off, but he didn't seem to have the energy to deal with such trivial matters.

His gazed remained fixed on me for a while.

It was said that the eyes were the windows to the souls, but they were also the worst liars. In he mourning eyes reflected the brilliance of fond memories, good times when he saw that red-haired girl with a cheerful smile that made the stars shined brighter; the times when her green eyes curiosity scanned through the surroundings and glimmered under the broad sunlight; the times when he heard her laughter which warmed the hearts of others.

He was having a hard time processing what he had just found in Potter's cottage. Lily had been so high-spirited and perky in his memories, but she was seen lying still as a stone on the floor, emotionless, spiritless, lifeless. 

Then, Severus' gaze shifted to my languid and torpid posture. He, at last, realised that my abnormal behaviour before was not paranoia, but mourning.

Without any warning, Severus grabbed one of my cheeks with one hand, forcing me to fix my eyes on him. I was not reinforcing the mind barrier at all, allowing him to easily search my mind by simply looking at me.

To his surprise, he saw the green light from Voldemort's wand going in the direction of baby Harry, and finally hitting Lily, who rejected the option to stand aside and willingly sacrificed herself to save her child.

"You weren't there. Why do you have this memory?" He suspected. As intelligent as Severus, it was only a matter of time for the cat to be let out the bag.

"I am likely equipped with the ability of a seer, though the effects are weak."

"You saw what was coming and you mourned ahead of all of us. Why didn't you say anything?"

Had I not tried everything within my influence? Even great wizards like Dumbledore couldn't come up with a better idea with his brilliant calculating mind. How on earth could I possibly become the master of everyone's fate and destiny?

"The killing spell was reversed, wasn't it? Voldemort is gone now, isn't he? I am certainly not right, Severus, but I dare you tell me to my face, am I wrong?"

"It's not even about right or wrong, Liz. You could have told me."

"And? Do you really think you could sneak around the Dark Lord and kill him? Do you truly believe that he had faith in you completely?" I raised my voice.

"If you had told me, we could have mourned together."

"What?"

"The boy has her eyes." Severus muttered. He left my side, sat on his chair, picked up an equally cold iron fork, and ate his supper.