Cinnamon, Blueberries, & Other Subjects to fill a Book of Poetry

Chapter 11: Queerness

I pace the floor, the conversation with Fran rolling round in my head. It's been almost two weeks since the and I've had nothing but time to think seeing as how Jean had seemingly forgotten I existed after the last article. I can't say I minded. However I hadn't left the house much other than to go to the coffee shop and I thought I might be going stir crazy.

I pick up my phone, Fran's voice still fresh in my mind, chewing on the straw in the smoothie I'd picked up this morning.

"How did you know you were a lesbian?" I'd asked. She'd paused then and I could hear her take a deep breath before answering, I wasn't quite sure what to think of that.

"I.. I don't know, honestly. I kind of just.. did?" I must have made some sort of noise, unbeknownst to me, that indicated my displeasure with that answer because she continued after a beat. "Like I said, I always looked at girls differently, y'know? Little things, I guess. I could stare at a guy for hours and not be able to tell you what colour a guy's eyes were, but I looked at a girl for a two minutes and could tell you exactly what she was wearing, wht colour her hair was, if she had piercings, all that shit." She took a breath, "You get what I mean?"

I thought I did.

That thought made me incredibly worried.

"And, that meant you were a lesbian?" I had asked

"Well, I mean, no. It was a bunch of little things. Mostly though, I just /thought/ about women more. And, it kind of just clicked."

A bunch of little things..

I snapped back to reality as my phone dinged, a photo from Reese. I bit down harder on the straw as my thoughts ran wild. One thought in particular kept making it's way back to the front of my mind and I found myself pushing it back every time.

That probably wasn't a great sign.

I looked back at my phone.

Are you busy today?

-Sam

just off work

so no

Would you like to come over to my house?

We could watch a movie?

Of course, if you'd rather not I wouldn't blame you.

-Sam

He didn't respond for a minute and I felt the worry ball wind tighter. This was clearly a bad idea. For some reason I'd thought that because I'd been over to his house, he wouldn't mind coming to mine. How stupid of me. I was doing absolutely nothing to ease the worrying when I felt my phone go off again in my hand.

sure

when?

I was decently sure I was grinning like an idiot in that moment.

However, when I heard the knock at my door, I most definitely was not grinning. I very much felt like I was going to pass out, actually. I loved my house, of course, I'd grown up here and I thought it was rather well put together. But I'd never let anyone other than Fran come inside. The idea of someone else entering /my/ space made me nauseous. I took a deep breath and reminded myself that I wasn't just letting /someone/ in my house, I was letting Reese.