Jigsaw

6. Jamil

The pain in my chest wasn't going away.

I stared at the date on my phone again and the familiar feeling of dread settled over me. I put the device off and pushed it under the pillow beside me. I sighed.

What am I doing?

Today was the day. Today was the day I was supposed to see her, after years of excuses and lies. I didn't know how I would face her. How could I? What did I have to show her? The scars from my failed suicide attempt? The empty feeling that I've carried in my chest since she left me?

I had nothing.

I'd struggled to get through the week and now the day was here. I couldn't do it.

I let my thoughts dance around in my head for a little longer before shutting them off completely.

I decided the moment I pulled my blanket higher up my body. I wasn't going to go. The guilt was eating me from the inside out but I knew it would hurt way more if I did go.

The light knock on my door startled me out of my spiraling thoughts. I muttered a light 'come in' and buried myself under the blanket.

The heavy foot falls gave away the identity of the intruder. I felt the bed dip beside me and I peeked at my father from under the blanket. Eyes identical to mine stared back at me.

"Jamil, sit up"

His deep baritone voice filled the room, making me want to hide deeper. I hesitated.

"Jamil"

His voice was firm and I didn't need anyone to tell me he wasn't here for a game of chess. I sat up and brought my knees to rest under my chin, wrapping my hands around them.

"Do you know what today is?"

"Yes, I do"

He nodded. "You're not going. Again"

It wasn't a question. I didn't reply.

I knew why he was here now. I've used boarding school as an excuse for too long and have successfully missed this day for four consecutive years. Today was not going to be the same and this huge man sitting in my bed would make sure of it.

"Hasn't it been long enough? You're a man now, Jamil, you can't keep acting like a child and avoiding responsibilities like this"

I remained silent, his words increased the guilt that was already settled deep in my heart.

"Jane has held on for too long. You're going to see her today, is that clear? Don't be selfish, son, your sister need you too"

"Okay"

I whispered after a few seconds, not trusting myself to be able to say anything other than that due to the heavy lump lodged in my throat.

He opened his arms to me and I wasted no time in crawling into them. He hugged me tight and I did the same. It had been a while since I spoke to my dad since he was a very busy man, but I was grateful for this. And I was grateful for the fact that it wasn't my Mom sitting here with me. I'd been actively avoiding her and I wasn't sure how to act around her anymore.

"I love you, son"

"I love you too, Dad. Thank you"

Telling my Dad I loved him felt weird but it came out easier than I expected. I didn't realize how much I need this pep talk until now and I appreciated it.

I was going to see my sister.

~~~~~

Rain.

Violent, windy, thunder filled rain. It flew wildly around me, slapping harshly against my skin like tiny bullets. I struggled to keep my umbrella steady as I came out of the car that I had also struggled to drive all the way here.

The wind fought for my umbrella and I cursed, trying to shut the door and steady the bouquet of flowers in my hands at the same time.

I finally managed to lock it after a while and started towards the entrance.

I have always wondered why people attached horrific happenings to cemeteries. In my opinion, it was just a place where people came to bury their dead. I found nothing scary about it, except the fact that I had to come here to see her. It was like a lucid awakening that my sister was never coming back.

I remembered the first time I came to this cemetery. My entire extended family had come here to bury a grandmother Jane and I had never met. Bored with the ceremony, we'd strayed away to look at the intricate carvings engraved on the tombstones.

Never in a million years would I have imagined I'd be visiting my sister here. But then again, this was my reality.

I got to the entrance and greeted the gatekeeper, wondering why the man bothered to come here on a day like this. It's not like anyone was going to query him. I opted to mind my business and took the keys to my sister's monument and continued on my way.

My feet came to an involuntary stop as I looked at his sister's final resting place.

It was very extravagant. Something she would never have wanted.

My parents had gone out their way to reserve a reasonable piece of land to build the monument for her. As I got closer I could feel my palms get sweaty and my grip tighten around the bouquet.

I tucked the flowers under my arm and wiped my palm on my jeans before putting the key in the lock. I went in and put the umbrella down, closing the gates behind me.

I stood at the gates for a while as I stared at the huge picture of her that had been hung up in awe. I didn't know they'd put this up. I stared at the huge smile on her face and suddenly felt a sense of guilt again.

"Hi"

I whispered and sat in front of the small elevation. I put the flowers on it and sat there in the silence for a while, just staring at the picture. Willing her to come out of it and hug me. Tell me it was all going to be alright. Even if it wasn't.

"I'm sorry I haven't visited you. I....I have no excuse"

I went silent again as though I could hear her reply. I wasn't sure of what to do. Deep down I knew talking to the dead was impossible but I felt a small sense of comfort just sitting here like this.

"Um...I went to that library you always talked about. It's really old and the lady there creeps me the fuck out. But now I know why you liked it so much"

My chuckle was dry.

I adjusted my position into a crossed legged pose as the stabbing sensation in my stomach intensified. The same one I felt when I saw Jane's body under those white sheets at the hospital.

"How does it feel in there?"

Silence.

"To be honest, I've always wondered, even when you were still here. Is it cold? Warm?"

I swallowed. "I miss you, Jane"

I chuckled again, feeling like a crazy person.

"Why did you leave me?"
                            
I sighed and closed my eyes and tried to picture her sitting beside me. That would be a miracle.

And I didn't believe in miracles.

They had never happened in my life so I had no reason to.

I laid down across the cold tiles and curled up, closing my eyes. The sleep that had evaded me the night before came sleeping in now, and I embraced it.

I don't know how long I laid there like that but it didn't matter. I felt at peace. I checked my watched and my eyes widened slightly at how late it was, but for obvious reasons, I couldn't bring myself to leave. I raised my head and stared at her picture again before getting up and dusting my jeans.

"Bye, Jane. I'll be back soon. I promise"

I strolled out and looked up at the orangish sky. The rain had long since stopped. Leaving only the petrichor hanging in the air.

It was beautiful.

                           A//N
          |Thanks For Reading|
               |Vote. Comment|