A Perspective

Stuck

It's raining outside so you yell at me to get out of bed and do something for once. You tell me I'm wasting my summer. I can hear the rain pouring outside and it sounds so refreshing and fun. With everything in my body, I want to go. I want to go with you to walk shoeless on the streets in the rain. I want to have a talk about nothing with you again while we are being soaked again. But I can't. My bed has me chained up. My mind is yelling at me a million things at once and plus.... I have new unhealed scars on my arms. I Want to go so bad. The child in me is screaming. So you storm out and I hear you go outside on your own. I want to run after you but I'd fall to the ground from tiredness and dehydration. So you left me here by myself, guilty, and feeling worse then I did before. And now my want to punish myself for you is stronger. Less food, way less food. And maybe a few cuts. But I don't blame you either. I'm sorry. But you see the thought of everything outside this room is terrifying and wrong to me. I want to go, believe me. But I also want to stay in this welcoming box of a room, and this welcoming sleep. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry but it seems my care is leaving me. It already had but it's slipping away really fast now. It seems so free. I'm sorry. But this comforting "torture" is the best alternative for the extreme torture of everything else. And I mean everything. I'm really sorry. But I don't want to anymore. I haven't wanted to for 4 years but now... I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I cause so much pain to others by simply existing. I'm sorry I'm not like you. I'm sorry you feel you should be worried. You shouldn't. I'm fine. I'm comfortable. I'm sleepy. But all this to say....
Yes sis, I do want to go for a walk in the rain with you.