Flower's See Everything

Teddy Bear Memoirist

Falling onto his chest she huffed a breath of air, tired. No... not tired... that was an understatement. She was visibly exhausted. It wasn't the finish that she wanted- a fight into a sexual assault case wasn't what she wanted either. But she didn't know what a life out of this was. No one did. Everyone knew that they wanted more than this, that's all they knew. The man pushed her aching body off to the side of the bed, before standing up to get dressed. The woman laid there as she silently sobbed, facing away from him, broken into pieces.

Jalen could over hear the encounter from the room next door, the woman and the man were his parents. He had gotten used to the crying and the screaming. Pleas were useless although uttered frequently. He felt horrible every time... especially if it regarded his siblings instead. That made him feel worst of all.

He couldn't trust his parents, his brother, maybe not even the rest of his siblings, no... he could only trust the figure who guided him to safety. The one who dragged him away from the bathroom door and into his own bedroom. The one who disappeared before Jalen could whisper a thank you, before Jalen noticed why he had dragged him away at all.

This desperate hopelessness had lead him down an unforgettable spiral. One people normally don't go down so early in life. The things he heard in that conversation, it was horrible. He couldn't imagine what Hell was like if he wasn't experiencing it already. The spiral was more an addiction, an addiction to every time he had picked up the knife and slit himself. It was painful- no- there are surely other words to describe it. The pain was different than literal pain. The pain didn't make him cry though, a feeling did. An indescribable feeling.

It wasn't the stinging that made his body ache, as the folds of skin were pushed to the sides by blood. It wasn't the guilt of taking the knife to his arm and drawing lines he couldn't take back. It wasn't even the fear of doing it at all that made him cry.

He was crying because the feeling of hopelessness that wouldn't go away. The feeling of having so many siblings yet still being paralyzed by loneliness. It was the feeling that he was absolutely worthless.

It was the feeling that no matter what he did. Help wouldn't reach him.

He had stared at the soon-to-be scars he had made on his wrists, tears falling on them leaving a small sting. He had taken a deep breath and closed his eyes.

"Stupid Jalen."

He whispered under his breath before washing off the knife and putting it aside and somewhat treating his wrists. Even if someone saw, who would care anyway? He constantly said to himself. Although he did hide them as best he could to avoid that shiver down his spine- or worse- to avoid that conversation.

His thoughts were quickly abrupted when he heard a knocks on his door, he did a silent beg that it wasn't his brother. He opened it and saw his sister, medium length light brown hair and pale skin.

"Oh." Jalen said, nothing more. Their conversations were always on the shorter end. "I'm not helping you throw up again Maia."

Maia shook her head and gave him a teddy bear with only a few stains of blood, "it got caught up in the midst of a trip, go wash it in the tub." She smiled and patted his head "sorry buddy!"

A trip, in a short way to describe it, is a 3 day long event of sleep deprivation with no stimulants. However you may never sit down and relax. The game- the trip- is quite impressive and detailed. There are ballrooms, dances, live plays, and more during the trip. This only worsens the sleep deprivation but it does make you feel as if on drugs and causes similar affects. It may cause violent behaviors in some cases.

"Oh... okay thank you." Jalen took his teddy bear, it was his prized possession. It  was a singular good memory he clung onto. He was too young to remember receiving it- but he does know he was a newborn and had always had an attachment to it. It was the one thing no one had attempted to ruin in his life. The blood splotches were just an accident, he wasn't bothered.

Jalen held the stuffed animal close to his chest and opened the bathroom door, he began to run warm water. The liquid splashed against the tub and it was rather soothing. It wasn't too hot or too cold neither which made it all more satisfying. He waited for the bath to fill before turning off the water and soaking the teddy in the bath. Pushing it further in the water he froze, he went back to the memory of drowning. He wanted help so desperately in that moment- he swore he heard his bear screaming for help under the water. Jalen swore he heard it's thoughts, the same pleas he had, the wish to not die. He panicked and pulled it out tossing it against the floor just as his brother did*

"TRUST ME!" He repeated in sobs until it was nothing but a whisper...