fucked in the head

3:33am - how do people live?

it's scary how unable i am, to simply live. even when i'm okay (i guess).
my energy is so low, i can't care for myself the ways i should, not even close. i somehow cannot manage to eat like a normal human being, even if i can't explain why. i cannot go out in public without wanting nothing more, than to be invisible after a few minutes. i can't socially interact without being drained after a few moments. i can't be a good friend to people because i'm unable to regularly interact, whether it's in person or just through texts. i can't seem to be able to have a job or go to school because getting up every day, having to interact with people and then even having to do work as well, seems quite impossible to me. i could handle a day of that maybe but after that, i'd need like at least a week to recover. i can't exist without zoning out and i'm unavailable all the time. i can't be responsible anymore because i'm like somewhere else, i don't know where, but not here.

it's like i simply cannot function like a normal human being at all, no matter how hard i try.
it's stuff that everyone else seems to be handling with ease every single day and all of the time while i shatter just trying.

and i really don't know what to do. i can't just rot away for the next god knows how many years until i'm finally free to fucking die. that's literally not how society works. well, i probably wouldn't even survive a couple years the way i'm ‚living' right now, but what do i do if nothing seems to change the way i am? if nothing seems to help? if i can't be brought to function? do i just die because i'm not able to survive here?