Divine Timing

Mending the broken pieces

After hearing about Bless aunty passing away, and him regretting not seeing her. Buttah thought about her dad. Buttah felt that her last interaction with her dad wasn't the best, so she decided to do a pop up visit to see him.

"Hi dad!" Buttah walked into his room and he was sleeping in his chair.

"Hello Buttah, I didn't know you were coming today." Bobby said looking at Buttah.

"I was thinking of you and decided to come by." Buttah said sitting down.

Buttah was stopping by to bring her dad breakfast as she normally did twice per month, but she would come when she knew he would be sleeping. She was avoiding communication with him, since her emotional outburst, which caused a little tension between them.

Bobby didn't know that Buttah was pregnant. Buttah was wearing baggy clothes and a jacket.

"I'm glad you did. I've been thinking long and hard about the conversation we had..." Bobby said looking down, and was cut off by Buttah.

"Dad, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. Since going through therapy, my therapist has been encouraging me to get my feelings out, and process them. I think I could have done that differently." Buttah said looking down.

"It's okay. That's why I need to talk to you....I asked your mother to marry me when she was pregnant with you, and she said "no." I was in love with your mother, and she rejected me. I didn't realize I was treating you badly, until you expressed yourself to me. I'm so sorry baby girl, you are right. I did not treat you fairly. You didn't deserve that. When your mother rejected me, it seems that I rejected you." Bobby said looking at Buttah with tears in his eyes.

Buttah jumped up, and hugged her dad so tightly as she sobbed like a child on his shoulder.

"Dad, I don't think you understand how much that means to me. Thank you and I love you so much." Buttah said as she laid her head on his lap.

"I love you too." Bobby said rubbing Buttah on her back.

Bobby put his hand on Buttah's face, and stroked her cheeks with his thumb. Buttah told her dad about her pregnancy, and talked to him about Bless. They talked and laughed for an hour, before Buttah headed back home.

Bless, Chase and Sasha have been spending a lot of time at Buttah's house. When Buttah walked in the house she saw Sasha and Chase in the Kitchen.

"Why are y'all always in the kitchen?" Buttah asked laughing.

"I like to eat and Sasha likes to cook." Chase said shrugging his shoulders.

Buttah shook her head and went to her room. Bless was sitting on the patio in her room.

"How are you doing Babe?" Buttah asked sitting next to Bless on the patio.

"I'm doing good. Come here." Bless said guiding Buttah to sit on his lap.

"You've been doing a lot of running around. Relax, I've noticed you've been grimacing and holding your belly. I think you're doing too much." Bless said rubbing Buttah's belly.

Buttah never really complains, but she has been having braxton hicks contractions. She has always had a high pain tolerance, so she would usually wait, and call Doctor Cole when the pain is severe. Bless knows when she's in pain by looking at her facial expressions. Buttah plans to have a water birth with this pregnancy. Doctor Cole, her Doula and Bless will be the only people present during the birth of her baby. They will set everything up at her house in one of the bedrooms downstairs.

"I've been having braxton hicks contractions, but my belly just tightens up, it's not painful." Buttah said standing up sitting next to Bless.

"I can't keep sitting on your lap, it's uncomfortable and I feel like I'm too big." Buttah said smiling.

"You didn't even gain much weight. You're all belly baby, you're not too big." Bless said getting ready to go to the store.

"What do you want to eat?" Bless asked knowing it was one of the most difficult questions for Buttah to answer.

"Salmon, asparagus, backed potatoes and salad." Buttah said laying in the bed.

Bless left to go to the store, and Buttah's phone rang, it was Kandie. Kandie has been depressed, due to the gunshot wound to her leg, delaying her dance career. Her mom was more caring during her time of healing, but she still did not agree with her dance career.

"Hi Kandie! How are you?" Buttah asked happy to hear from her.

"I'm doing better. I have physical therapy three times a week and it is so painful. I just want to thank you for all your support and encouragement. This has been a very difficult time for me, but it was also a humbling experience. I've decided that I do not need to be in a relationship right now. I've been using relationships to cope with my dad passing away, and it's not working for me. I decided to get a therapist, and work on myself." Kandie said confident that she was making the right decision.

"I'm so proud of you Kandie. You can call anytime. Let us know if you need anything. I'm going to take a nap. You take care of yourself." Buttah said.

As Buttah is lying in bed, she thought about what she would say to her mom. Buttah had tried to get her mom to go to therapy for years. She finally realized that her mom was not going for it. She was too stubborn to acknowledge that she needed to heal. Buttah accepted that recording what she would say to her mom would be best to get her feelings out. Buttah's mom worked a lot when she was young. Sandy would take Buttah to her friends house, and other church members would take turns watching Buttah. Buttah was molested multiple times. When Buttah would fight to protect herself, she would get in trouble and punished by her mom. At 12 years old, Buttah finally told her mom that she was being touched in an inappropriate way. Buttah's mom just stopped sending her to the person's house, but she never addressed how Buttah was feeling. It was something that really troubled Buttah, because she felt that her mom didn't care about her. Buttah realized that her mom didn't know any better. Sandy went through similar things as a child. She didn't receive that nurturing love and reassurance from her mom either.

Buttah struggled with feeling abandoned, unloved, unprotected, not good enough, unworthy, rejected and unseen. She is now learning how to mother herself to heal her wounds. Buttah has been prioritizing self-love and putting herself first. Forgiveness helps healing. Not just forgiving those who harmed us, but also forgiving those who allowed us to be harmed. Most of all, we must forgive ourselves.

"I forgive you mom." Buttah said to herself before she fell asleep.