Guitar Strings

8

You can love someone so much...But you can never love people as much as you can miss them.

Sydney, Australia. Home. It's been almost 3 and a half years since the last time I was here, but nothing had changed.  The same tall trees stood in the front yard.  The same tire swing hung from the lowest branch, even though all of us had far outgrown it. The grass in the front yard was patchy this time of year and the flower beds weren't full of flowers like usual. It was too cold.

I stood outside my parents house and looked up at the window that used to be my room. Thinking about all the dreams I had when I lived in that room, made me realize they'd all come true. I knew it was rare to say that.

"FELIX!" my younger sister, Olivia, shouted as she ran towards me. "What are you just standing there for?!" She said giving me a hug.

"Ah, sorry. Just really tired" I replied hoisting my backpack onto one shoulder and following her inside.

They didn't know why I was here. I had told my parents that I just had some free time and wanted to come home. They didn't realize I wasn't ok, and they didn't know that I felt like everything was slipping away from me or how badly I'd messed up.  I felt like I'd never get her back. I screwed up and right now, even coming home to my family wouldn't fix it.

***

"Soooo, you gonna keep standing there?.....Or what?" Olivia spoke again, trying to get my attention. "Dinner's ready and you're late."

"Sorry, I'm right behind you." I mumbled finally making it inside the house. The smell of my mom's cooking wafted though the air as I entered the house.

"Felix! You're finally here!" My mom said excitedly as she ran over to me and squished my face between her hands and kissed my forehead.

"Yes, mum. I'm here" I said trying to pull away.

As I watched my family around the dinner table eating and laughing, I did my best to pretend I was happy. I tried to shake the last eight months from my brain, but everytime I blinked I got flashes of her smiling up at me. I was getting tired of trying to pretend that I wasn't miserable and that I wasn't completely heartbroken. This was my own fault, I guess these are the consequences.

Fake it til you make it, Lix. I thought as my mom started asking me questions about my group members and life back in Korea.

"It's good, just very busy" I smiled, it felt wrong. It didn't feel like it usually did. Crap. My mom was going to catch on. I moved the food around on my plate hoping it would look like I was eating. Right now the few bites I'd taken felt like a rock in my stomach.

"You sure about that?" My older sister asked looking concerned.

"Yep." I said still looking down at my plate. Thankfully, my mom decided that was good enough for her and started talking about something else. Olivia followed suit and was chatting about how many views her last Tiktok post had gotten. Though my older sister was still looking at me oddly through the rest of dinner.

Later that night my sister knocked on my bedroom door just as I was putting a few things away. "What?" I replied not turning around as she came in. I knew it would be her. She had an uncanny ability to always know what was wrong with me.

"What's going on with you? Usually you're excited to be home." She stood in the doorway, leaning against the frame.

"Nothing" I mumbled still not turning around.

"You're a bad liar, Felix." She said walking in and closing the door. I looked up from what I was doing and looked out the window of my old room. How do I explain that I broke someone's heart because I was afraid of getting mine broken first? How do I explain that back in Korea there was a beautiful, amazing, talented girl that I let myself fall for and then hurt her so badly that I hated myself? I did hate myself. I didn't even know who that version of me was when I yelled at her. I didn't recognize myself.

"Felix?" she asked quietly. "What's going on? You're not yourself."

My older sister and I were very close. We usually talked about anything that bothered us, but this felt different. I'd never felt like this before. I didn't even know how to put into words everything I felt. Silence filled the room while I tried to decide if I should say anything at all.

"I fell in love. That's the problem" I finally said hoping that would be enough and she'd leave me alone.

"That's not a bad thing." she said confused. "Usually that's a good thing"

"Not this time." I said still keeping my back to her. If she could see my face, I knew I'd fall apart. I can't do that. I've done that enough the last few days, if I fall apart I won't be able to pull myself back together. I tried desperately to shove everything down so hard it wouldn't come up, but I was losing the battle.

"I didn't even know you were dating anyone, I'm surprised you didn't tell me."

I swallowed hard and I couldn't hold it back anymore. I leaned forward on the dresser in front of me and felt the tears falling down my face. Damnit, I didn't want to cry again. I tried so hard not to. My sister came up and put a hand on my shoulder.

"Tell me what happened." I reluctantly stood up straight and she stepped back and sat down on my desk chair as I sat down on my bed with my head in my hands.

"It's so stupid. I'm so stupid." I mumbled, angry at myself for how I acted. "Hyunjin had me download this stupid dating app. I was lonely, and I just..." I paused, collecting myself before I continued, "I met this girl and I fell in love with her, and god I'm such an asshole."

I had been mentally beating myself up for days. How could I be so stupid. She was always going to be the one that got away, I was going to have to deal with that for the rest of my life.

"Why didn't you tell me? I give great relationship advice you know." I knew she was trying to get a laugh out of me, but I couldn't, I deserved to feel like this. I deserved it, I didn't deserve to feel happy and laugh and joke around. She never had great relationship advice. Her own love life was akin to a dumpster fire.

"I got scared. I fell in love with her. I started to realize that first loves never last, and I got scared of losing her so I pushed her away. I kept her at arms length to protect myself and now...We had a huge fight, and I said a lot of things I didn't mean. It was like I was someone else."

"That's not always true, sometimes they do." She said leaning forward in the chair. "You just have to put in the work to make it happen."

"I-I can't fix this now. She won't talk to me. She won't answer my calls or texts. All I want is to fix it, but it's too late. I lost her" I said looking up at my sister. I knew my eyes were red, I knew my face was swollen, I knew I looked like crap. I tried to take a deep breath but it just brought on more tears. I knew I wouldn't be able to stop.

"C'mere" She said standing up and hugging me. "You know we're all here for you. Always. You know you can talk to me about anything even if you are 4,000 miles away. You're going to get her back, Felix. I know it. You're a good guy, she knows that. You just need to show her how sorry you are."

I pulled away from her and sat back down "I really just want to be alone right now, Rach."

"Sure, but you know where I am if you need me, ok?" I nodded my head and laid down on my bed with my back to her. She quietly opened and closed my bedroom door. I laid there in silence. Sleep was difficult the last few days. Everytime I closed my eyes I could see flashes of our relationship, her smile, her eyes, the way it felt when she would sleep next to me. I rubbed my eyes and tried to wipe away the memories, but they wouldn't go.

I knew I shouldn't message her again, but I couldn't help it. Even if she didn't reply, at least I was trying.

Felix
I know you probably won't read this
but I have to try to again tell you how fucking sorry I am. Please just talk to me. I didn't
mean what I said. I was scared, Lina. I miss you.
9:28pm

Lina, please. Just one answer from you...
please, I didn't mean what I said.
Let me just explain. Please...
9:34pm

I love you.
9:36pm