Stuck in time (Kuancheng)

Chapter 5

(Since most of you are probably waiting for a Yizhan chapter , the next chapter is gonna be a Yizhan chapter.) 

(Marius of the present); 

I felt impotent, I was completely sleepless as I finally slipped my blanket down and turned on the little night lamp next to my bed on a counter , as it lit up illuminating and exposing everything that was on my counter , and their it was , their were about 16 cheques he had left over the last couple of weeks , I miss his warmth , my night routine feels incomplete without him , I wanted to cuddle him , not like I ever did cuddle him before , I just thought my small frame would fit in perfectly in on his bigger frame, I could just keep wishing , but I was never that lucky , I was not among those who usually get what they wished for to have what they desired to have . My wishes did not usually get fulfilled. And of course tonight was not an exception.

I keep denying but I no longer can keep denying it but I am very lonely, my past trauma made me forme a mental  block often and struggle to distract myself from emotions starve of real companionship. I mean I do have my friends and they are all undeniably kind to me .

But I..i have this inexpressible yearning to have someone I could call cute pet names , someone whom I could talk to about my day , someone who can take care of me , someone who can protect me , someone whom I can sleep peacefully next to , maybe someone whom makes me things with love and warmth.

I did have my friends, but I wanted someone whom I could...I- I could , I wanted something like .

Maybe the first time I saw him I had wanted him to do so much to me and sleeping with him had been topping the list , yet know I still want to sleep with him but not in that way , I want him to spend time with me. Only once ....I wish for him to sleep on this bed beside me , my birthday isn't that far of maybe I'll wish for that on my birthday, I wanted his long fingers on my waist , not up my ass.

Instead of leaving me dirty , filled with shame  , naked , marked , sweaty yet full...that was how I would turn out every time we met, I wanted him to be in charge of me , care for me , protect me . I craved his touch , that's what I want!  I want him to touch me , to feel me , not only touch me during sex my soft regions where he stroked me till my inner sexual desires exposed themselves in his hands ; I wanted him to feel my skin , touch me with care my back , my neck ,my abdomen , my shoulders with his hands , bigger than mine-yet more tempting than mine , rougher yet more muscular than mine which people found more attractive, so did I.

I wanted care , and attention, I craved his attention , I don't want his look and attention in between my legs , no , I want him to think that I'm beautiful, my personality not my body ! I wanted him to pay attention to my face , my smile. 

Whenever we made love to each other ...we have never even made eye contact before , I wanted his eyes to meet mine , I was to scared to do that.

Love? He never made love to me , he isn't able to love.

I knew niche about him , he seemed to be a couple of years older ..., was he like one of those disgusting old men from the bar? 

He's an absolute lummox -an emotionless beast. 

He came to me to meet his sexual appetite, to take out all his negative emotions on me , I was basically a sex doll to him ...to satisfy his lust , he came to me , me ... why me ? Am I special ? No

He came to me whenever he felt the need  to let his insatiable desires pour out of every pore of his skin . He came to me , every time , only to have sex . Yet at first I thought I stood out to him.

Were all the cheques , all the money that I was given in exchange of my dignity worth?  Rather the  lower half's of our bodies pressed onto each other to unravel he warmth that I provided. He wanted me to touch him , to allow him inside of me and let him evaporate in many as many times as he wanted to , without any worry , why would he worry about me?

It's been a while since we slept together ...well he never slept with me . We would usually have sex for about four to six hours of sex , before he would get dressed and leave. I felt as if I had broken a record for the most sex in a lap of  one month.

I am just so impotent and unimpressive as I witnessed all the pills laying out on my counter it's all his fault, to be honest he's so disgraceful it's as if I was begging to him to be a douchebag , so I could be irritated by his existence. 

We have never exchanged any interactions other than him asking me if I'm available or not , and when could he come over to use me for his own selfish needs.

He was my yearning, I begged to that man in my dreams , i have desires...for his bigger form around my smaller frame , looking at each other's eyes with the feeling of tenderness and comfort, his lips were the ones I wished to have against my...I - I want his lips to explore me in every kind of way and every where. Was I trying to play a game of ouija ? Could a freak like him ever love?

If yes , then how ? I'm quite curious , aren't I? 

I looked at all the scars and marks he had caused to appear on my pale white skin, we could notice the marks his nails made when they dug deep into my skin .

Maybe I got treated like this because men are not suppose to feel pain? But most people miss gender me because of my lack of masculinity, but to comfort me they say "I'm a quite young soul." 

I wonder if those nails of his how to deal with such gently.

But at the same time I was being paid to bear and support his roughness.

It was as if I was being paid to lie beneath a bolder as the curves keep harassing my body.

Yet I still fell in love with him in no time , he didn't even have to do anything to catch my attention, and here am I, I bet a lot of others would kill to have him do this to them.

I don't really know what to do , I'm really confused , of course I had told my friends about it and they all were very pissed at me, yet I couldn't stop and let my heart be in control, as I was slowly falling apart, if anyone could save me , it would be him.

This chapter was heavily inspired by @ bunny_LeoLan 's book Quench my naked yearning.